GAMING: Black Ops and Batman reviews on Pocket Gamer

I've just reviewed Black Ops for a major videogame website. True, it's the DS version, but it's not a bad little game at all. Read my thoughts on Pocket Gamer's website here.

Feel free to mock my ill informed judgement using the sites commenting system- I can take it.

For those of you that aren't fans of games where you shoot Cubans in the face (what is wrong with you?) I also wrote a review a while back on the same site about punching supervillains in the face- Batman: The Brave and the Bold on DS. Read (and possibly mock) it here.

I'm hoping to write a bit more on here in the near future, although naturally, don't hold your breath.

SPORT- Lee Bradbury’s All-Star Select Vs The Southern Co-op Group

*NOTE* This has been a long time coming, but take a quick look at the trailer below to get an idea what this is about...

Event- 28^th May, 7pm, Fareham Town’s ground, Cams Alder Sports Stadium

By Simon Reed (CSA at the West Moors Co-op)

Being the last two of the Co-op team to arrive at the Cams Alder Sports Stadium my fellow colleague Russell and I had just enough time to don our yellow co-operative shirts and take to the pitch. We little idea what to expect from the game, but personally, I was very nervous.

As we lined up next to the All Star team in front of a crowd of around 300 I couldn’t help but notice that their teams titular player, Lee Bradbury, was strangely absent from their line up. This was no weak side we were playing though, as Darren Anderton, Sammy Igoe, Joel Partington and Linvoy Primus-all ex stars or current pros- were all lined up against us.

It didn’t take too long to find out that we were no match for the All Star team. The game quickly set into a pattern of constant All-Star attacks, with our team unable to get hold of the ball for more than ten seconds.

One of our main problems was opposing player Darren Anderton, of ex-England/Tottenham fame, as he was near impossible to get the ball off. He knew exactly what he was going to do with the ball about an hour before he got it, and none of our players had any answer on how to deal with him. Or the All-Star team in general.

It was a great achievement then, that the game stayed 0-0 for the opening 20 minutes. The inevitable did occur though, when the All Star’s broke through, and then made it 2-0 shortly after. I believe it was at this point that many of our team realised the game could turn into the rout we had feared and expected.

Fortunately, the compete lack of attacking threat we had displayed up to this point worked in our favour. A few minutes before half time my colleague Russell entered the All Stars box, and was held off by ex-Portsmouth player/man mountain Linvoy Primus.

Primus did obviously not expect a Southern Co-op worker to be capable of turning him and blasting the ball into the bottom corner. But that’s exactly what Russell did, and all of a sudden we were only 2-1 down, and actually back in the game.

Sadly this act of resistance was like awakening a sleeping giant and the All-Stars quickly regained their two goal lead to make it (a still respectable) 3-1 at half time.

Our half-time team talk pretty much consisted of attempts to be more organised and have a better shape, so that we wouldn’t be ripped to shreds like in the first half. But when your opposition consists of ex-England and Premiership professionals we all knew the aim was damage limitation.

Unfortunately in the second half the All-Stars were still running right through us; but at least in this half we were each organised enough to know where to be on the pitch to allow them to run right through us.

Lee Bradbury however, finally turned up, and seemed in a playful mood, helping out one of our players when he pulled up with cramp and laughing off one of our players when he hauled him to the ground. Bradbury failed to score as I recall, but the All Stars still racked up three more goals, making it 6-1 at full time.

Overall though, we were a more consistent attacking threat in the second half, and it was only the ball hogging antics of one of our forwards that meant we failed to add to our goal tally of one. Even near the end when we decided to throw all our players onto the pitch, meaning we outnumbered the All Star players at around two to one, we still failed to score.

With the final whistle going and the score 6-1, most of us realised that being a mere team of convenience store workers, only losing by five goals to such an incredible team of players was probably as good as any of us could have realistically hoped for

Well done to all those who played, as well as thanks to those who came to watch, as all the money raised through the event went towards the Help For Heroes Campaign.

GAMING: Professor Layton and the Express Disaster

Did you see it? The Daily Express' Professor Layton advert cover that is. Basically, The Express dedicated an extra cover to the new Layton game 'Professor Layton and the Lost Future,' with the actual paper hidden inside. Here it is if you didn't get the chance to see it:

Bizarre isn't it? Judging from the many confused expressions I spotted from customers looking at this cover I would say that this cover was a mistake- by The Express and Level 5.

Over fifty copies were left over in our shop in which I work, where usually there are around 5 or 6. I've said it many times before, but most people are easily confused. So the Express readership, who are mostly middle aged or older, would likely have been bemused by this cover and therefore avoided it, scuttling away from it in a confused stupor.

I liked it though. So much so I kept a few copies of the cover. Sad I know, but there you go. If anyone else wants a copy of this rare piece of Layton memorabilia let me know. Here's some inside and back pics of it.

GAMING: 3DS Rumour Mill Continues...

I'm currently completing a work placement/internship/unpaid period of work at the Pocket Gamer website, so i'll put the stories I don't think are going to make the cut on there on here, including a recent rumour about the 3DS released date...

Please keep up with me on Twitter on https://twitter.com/EBTKS

If you add me i'll add you straight back. Cheers.

A German tabloid paper has claimed they know the release date and price for Nintendo's 3DS before it has even been officially announced.

Bild, the highest selling newspaper in Europe, has reported that the console will be released on November 11^th this year in Japan and early 2011 in Europe.

The paper goes on to price the handheld at €200 and has suggested that launch titles would include Mario Kart 3D, The Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D and Professor Layton and the Mask of Miracle.

With Nintendo expected to make the official announcement this Wednesday it will soon become clear whether this is simply Bild publishing rumours to boost sales, or actual honest investigative reporting.

Although the paper is the German equivalent of the Sun it did manage to predict the announcement of the Wii controller 2 days before it was announced back in 2005.

To add further confusion an ex employee of peripheral make Factory Keys recently claimed a November 20^th release for the 3DS in Japan. Who knows what to believe...i'm just looking forward for a concrete date to mark on my calendar.

EDIT- Turns out, Bild got it wrong. Silly, silly Bild...

FILM/SPORT- The World Cup Goes To The Movies...

So the World Cup is over. It’s just a few weeks until the league season starts afresh, but this will feel like years to many football fans, trust me.

Looking for other things to occupy the time is difficult, but one stopgap could be to watch a film. But we all know when film comes into contact with football the result is usually utter tosh. Remember Goal (above)? Or rather don’t- it was rubbish.

So moving on, here is my attempt to liken every team that participated in this years World Cup to a film- some are incredibly tenuous though, so if you can think of any better please feel free to let me know…

Algeria = Ferngully: The Last Rainforest (1992)

Both have some link to green, in either shirt colour or environmental outlook, and are not really the type of thing anyone wants to watch if they had the choice.

Argentina = Apocalypto (2006)

A slightly crazed guy is responsible for driving both efforts (Maradona and Mel Gibson respectively), and both are also pretty entertaining to watch.

Australia = Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome (1985)

A decent effort, despite some poor moments, but their predecessor was much, much better.

Brazil = Terminator 2 (1991)

Despite the technical excellence, they lack the heart of their predecessor/s. Neither can really be held in the same regard as their prior incarnations.

Cameroon = Terminator Salvation (2009)

Both possibly destabilized due to one big star (Eto’o and Christian Bale respectively) dwarfing the rest of the teams effort, and therefore resulting in a bit of an unorganized, boring mess.

Chile = Commando (1985)

Sure, neither is ever going to win any actual awards, but at least they go full out to entertain- and achieve that aim with aplomb.

Denmark = Three Colours: Red (1994)

Both are European, and have much to do with the colour red. Next!

England = Batman and Robin (1997)

Despite a decent array of talent at their disposal, both are undone by poor management/directing decisions. They therefore ended up being roundly hated by all.

France = Heavens Gate (1980)

Constant disharmony amongst all involved meant that both ended up as being seen as a joke, and guilty wasting criminal amounts of talent/money.

Germany = The Evil Dead (1981)

Both involved groups of young kids who despite no-one expected to be able to compete, fought against the odds and managed to create a simple but effective style of entertainment.

Ghana = The African Queen (1951)

Both involve battling against the odds, and there’s also the rather obvious Africa connection. That’s more than enough, so let’s move on…

Greece = Exorcist II: The Herectic (1977)

Very poor efforts, and made any success its previous iterations had seem a fluke (Greece winning the Euros in 2004, and the first Exorcist respectively).

Honduras = What Just Happened (2008)

Unfortunately, despite the efforts of all involved, both are completely forgettable in every way.

Italy = A View To Kill (1985)

Old, tired, and in desperate need of re-invention. They are both sadly one of the worst of a line of decent past iterations…

Ivory Coast = Horton Hears A Who! (2008)

Both either involve or are linked to elephants. Plus they’re both quite colourful (Ivory Coast’s shirts/the films palette). That’s all I’ve got.

Japan = Akira (1988)

Besides the obvious Tokyo connections, both are also technically excellent but lacking the necessary qualities to be truly great.

Mexico = Rambo (2008)

You enjoy watching them if they’re on television, but you know they won’t be truly great or last a great while (Rambo is only 92 minutes long, Mexico rarely go beyond the second round).

Netherlands = The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly (1966)

Good= Sneijder. Bad= Van Bommel. Ugly= The way they approach football in general.

New Zealand = Rocky (1975)

Both involve a lot of heart and grit-but don’t expect them to win in the end.

Nigeria = Battlefield Earth (2000)

Despite the large resources to call on, they still both end up disappointing.

North Korea = Back To The Future Part II (1989)

Both try and mine inspiration from successes in the past, but fail to truly match up to them. Despite that, both have their good moments.

Paraguay = Quarantine (2008)

Yes, it’s quite good, but in the end both aren’t as good as something related to Spain (either the Spanish original film, or just Spain the football side). That good enough?

Portugal = How To Lose Friends and Alienate People (2008)

Despite both boasting talent in their line up, they play it too safe, taking few risks, and end up not pleasing anyone.

Serbia = Escape to Victory (1981)

Both share the same achievement- beating the Germans. Apart from that, they’re a bit rubbish.

Slovakia = Reservoir Dogs (1992)

A good debut (Dogs was Tarantino’s first real film), although it hints that the best could be yet to come…

Slovenia = Clerks (1994)

Despite being against the odds and having little expectation behind them, they performed admirably and were reasonably entertaining.

South Africa = Out of Africa (1985)

South Africa made sure that many wanted out of their stadiums and Africa as soon as possible, thanks to the endless drone of the vuvuzela…

South Korea = The Good, The Bad and The Weird (2008)

Both Korean, as well as usually going all out to entertain. Both can lose focus at key times though.

Spain = 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)

Despite all the technical excellence on show, both are hard to truly love. They are both things to respect, but could never be considered hugely entertaining.

Switzerland = Triangle (2009)

Well structured and competent, but likely to leave you frustrated and with a bit of a headache.

USA = Transformers (2007)

Despite all out attempts to impress you, they both fall up short of being anywhere near good enough to be true classics.

Uruguay = Citizen Kane (1941)

With their best days seemingly behind them, both are still capable of proving everyone wrong and can still entertain.

SPORT- World Cup Diary, Entry 2

Total football? Feh. Behold neutral football, compliments of Switzerland yesterday. A 1-0 victory against favourites (but regular World Cup bottlers) Spain was something to be admired rather than enjoyed. The Swiss’ tactics and defence were pretty much flawless.

And as someone with Swiss family, I loved it. Seeing Spain pump ball after ball into the Swiss box was like seeing a child continuously run into a glass door. Yes, it was somewhat cruel and unfair, but also enjoyable and funny in the extreme.

But seeing the Spaniards frustrated resulted in making Group H very interesting indeed. First, Honduras look to be the deadwood of the group, and should realistically end up with nul points. So the game between Chile and Switzerland next week is key. If the Swiss perform another defensive shut-out against the lively Chileans, which is not out of the question, then they should top the group. Leaving Spain to need a result against Chile to even get to the last 16.

It took the World Cup nearly a week to warm up, but it finally looks to be clunking into life. Let’s hope it doesn’t flatline in dour frustration (for the viewer at least) again.

Oh and don't forget about my mini match reports on Twitter, for every game, right here-
http://twitter.com/EBTKS
Thank you.

SPORT- World Cup Diary, Entry 1

(Above- My shrine to England, including Pigeons displaying the St George's flag with pride...)

England expects. But expects what exactly? Disappointment? I know that reaching the World Cup semis would be a wonderful achievement, but England winning the whole tournament is surely a step too far.
With the game against the Yankee Doodles coming up i’m limiting my expectations somewhat, but I think we can get at least a point, and all three is certainly not out of the question.
As for the games played so far, they’ve been mostly decent, but have hardly set the world alight. My thoughts on the teams seen so far…

Mexico- Slick but somewhat toothless.
South Africa- Big hearts but looked at times woefully outclassed.
France- Meandering and aimless, criminally wasting their realms of talent.
Uruguay- Unambitious but defensively sound.
South Korea- Energetic but could be ineffectual against the better teams.
Greece- So painfully uninspired it makes their Euro win in 2004 even more amazing!
Argentina- A great frontline glosses over their possible tactical naivety.
Nigeria- Frustrating at times to watch, but can occasionally spark into life.

So we haven’t seen so far, in my opinion, a team that can realistically win football’s ultimate golden prize. But hopefully that will all change tonight, eh? And I’m not talking about the US here…

SPORT- The World Cup!

The World Cup. It can be divisive, with those who hate it and those who love it. I’m in the latter camp, and I’m not quite sure exactly why anyone wouldn’t enjoy some aspect of the ‘greatest show on earth.’

The fans, the colour, the chaos and of course, the football itself. There’s nothing quite like it, and seeing so many different people from across the globe manically cheering on their side gives me a buzz like nothing else.

Therefore I will be attempting a diary of the tournament, hopefully day by day, as well as a constant stream of insights on twitter-

http://twitter.com/EBTKS

So sit back and enjoy. Even if you’re a hater of the event just give a try. You might just find out what all the fuss is about…

RANDOM RANT- Currently Closed

Just a quick word that to say that this blog is not dead, but is currently doing some downtime, due to my work on other projects.
Normal service will most likely be resumed in a couple of weeks. I know no-one out there actually cares, but I felt the urge to stop the haunting silence currently on this here blog. See you soon, although obviously, not too soon...

LARGE NOSE MAN- Chapter 7

*What is this? A continuing story about a superhero I made up, Large Nose Man. I wrote much of this many years ago, so I have edited it to make (some) sense, although it’s just a bit of fun really. For previous tabs find them through the sections displayed to your right. One new chapter up every month*

Chapter 7

The police fell like cheap skittles as The Doctor’s henchmen tore through them with their machine guns.
Alex made a break for the fire escape. The Doctor caught him in the corner of his eye as he peppered the door with fire. Kent then tried to escape it by running to the far corner, amongst the many tall glass vats of bubbling green nuclear filth.
“You can’t escape coward…and especially not behind vats I can see through…” smirked the Doctor. He stared straight through the glass to meet Kent’s shaking eyes, full of fear.
“Come on, I can help you, I’ll help balance the books, secure your finances…anything…” Rambled Kent. He wasn’t particularly selling his worth, and he knew it.
“I’m afraid I’m my own man. I don’t need some shrivelled waste of life like you by my side. Goodbye, Mr…” The Doctor paused to think. “Wait, what’s your name again?”
“Kent, Alex” Kent replied.
“Ah, good, good. Goodbye, Mr Kent…”Said the doctor, as he raised his gun, and fired straight through the tank.
The bullet struck Kent square in the face as he tumbled backwards, the colour fading from his vision.
“Hahaha! Right in the schnozz!” Laughed The Doctor. The vat cracked and the green liquid ooze began to trickle and fizz across the floor. “Time to go, methinks…”
As The Doctor and his goons strolled from the room, Kent felt his face tingle, a burning sensation creeping all over him. The room blurred, and as he fell all went black…

RANDOM RANT-Death

Afraid of death? Does the thought of your life being drained away by the reapers cold hand send you into bouts of tingling sweat?

Well man up, damn it. Or a least, that’s what I would be telling you, if I wasn’t horribly reminded of my cowardice just last night.

Snuggled up in bed, I heard a creak emerge from our hallway. All of a sudden, I was bombarded with terrifying thoughts.

A murderer had slipped in through the window, I reasoned, and I was merely moments from being hacked into human prosciutto through my tangle of bedsheets.

Rationality had clearly been thrown out of the window (it turned out to be someone going for a glass of water), but that didn’t stop me being half scared to death of er, death.

The most irking thing about all this though, was that I was always under the impression that my view of life was bleak. Like the values of a Goth, but without the wrist cutting or stupid hair.

But this non-existent threat puts it all in focus. I may think my life is worthless, but, illogically, I want to grasp onto it all the same.

It’s all to do with seeing what will happen next. Like a drama that only I find gripping and meaningful.

So even if my story ends up a crushingly dull life working in IT, where I suicidally smash my face into fleshy mush on a keyboard, it could be, to me, a poignant tragedy. Although most would see it as pure black comedy.

So anyway, death. It can be funny. But most of the time it’s terrifying. Even if you don’t want it to be. Despite what the Blue Oyster Cult say, It’s hard not to fear the reaper…

FILM REVIEW- Bright Star

*Told in an melancholic 3-verse poem form, best enjoyed while lying in a field of wild flowers, staring wistfully across a lake while children frolic in the fields around you*

Hark! What is this? Another film from Jane Campion,

Creator of the achingly dull Piano, alas,

I am unsure my mind can take another two hours or rambling tosh, evermore.

 

Not so bad though, is this latest paramour,

A biopic of poet John Keats later years and the relationship he shared,

With a small ensemble Campion draws us in.

 

Ben Whishaw plays Keats as a distracted, odd talent,

All nervous darting eyes and hangdog expressions,

Hard to love but his slow, deliberate reading of his verse well played.

 

Abbie Cornish as his muse always torn,

She gains our attention but perhaps not our hearts,

As such a slushy over emotional bore she sometimes become.

 

Heaven thank then, Paul Schneider,

Whose barbed comments and hostility towards Abbie,

Helps give the film a needed jolt out of its continually romantic musings.

 

Campion frames the film with the necessary air of wistfulness,

Yet several scenes jar, with previous developments left unmentioned,

Creating an occasionally frustrating and torturous narrative.

 

Perhaps it is a deliberate flaw to represent loves hurdles,

Those who love somewhat preening self indulgent waffle will hold it to their hearts,

But those with cold hearts will no doubt be bored beyond rational thought, evermore.

FILM REVIEW- Bunny And The Bull

Bunny and the Bull (15, 101 minutes)

Can it be as mighty as the Boosh?

Where?

The Lighthouse, Poole

Plot?

Stephen (Edward Hogg) lives by a strict, organized routine, and is afraid to leave his house. But when he starts looking through his possessions he thinks back to his eventful road trip with the rambunctious Bunny (Simon Faranaby).

Thoughts?

When watching an episode of cult BBC show the Mighty Boosh, you either watch two types of episode.

You are either whisked away to a surreal world rammed full of characters you could never begin to imagine, as well as being spoilt with an abundance of witty and quotable dialogue.

Or you are dragged through a misfiring sludge, full of characters that never hit their mark, and fumbling, misfiring dialogue.

This film debut from Boosh director Paul King, mixes a little bit of both, resulting in a film that is refreshingly different in tone, but also has a disappointing undercooked aftertaste.

So much has been discussed about the films visual style, but with good reason- it’s a constant barrage of hand crafted visual delightfulness.

There’s admirable low budget bravado in King’s use of confetti snow, cling film ice and crepe paper flames that really mark him out as a director to watch.

But as much as you’re won over by the films looks, the frequently slack writing contrives to pull the film down.

It’s hard to understand what some scenes are trying to achieve. It constantly flicks from simple laughs to meandering non-sequitirs that go nowhere. In the Boosh they worked to occasionally laugh out loud extremes- here they never get that far off the ground.

Frustratingly, the film does work on both an visual and script level, such as a scene involving Boosh star Julian Barratt as a dog loving tramp, which although not side-splitting, is an amusing side-step.

And there’s nothing fatally wrong with the acting on show either, which makes the flat dialogue even more depressing.

Hogg cuts a lovably pathetic misfit, and Farnaby manages to mix vulgarity and charm as the alcoholic Bunny, but both get little chance to develop their characters.

As a result you feel little emotional connection to them in the film’s final act, when you feel you should.

Treat this film like a foul sponge cake covered in a beautiful, glittering icing decoration- enjoy how it looks by all means, but scrape no further underneath- you’ll only be underwhelmed.

Verdict?

A shabbily written mess, saved to some degree by its wondrous lo-fi visuals. (2/5)

Haiku?

Wonderfully odd,

Looks like a hand made dream world,

Shame about the plot!

Go Further…

· King is rumoured to be directing the film adaptation of Paddington Bear. The background design for the betting shop scene in this shows he is the right man for the job- it has the same sketchy, ramshackle feel.

· Listen out for a voice cameo by Rich Fulcher, Boosh’s Bob Fossil, as Captain Crab near the beginning of the film.

·Hogg and Farnaby played Boosh’s Howard Moon and Vince Noir’s rivals in a series 3 episode of the show.

Second Opinion?

Little White Lies thought it a brilliant British gem…

http://www.littlewhitelies.co.uk/theatrical-reviews/bunny-and-the-bull/

Trailer?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0L9VlgJitmA

LARGE NOSE MAN- Chapter 6

*What is this? A continuing story about a superhero I made up, Large Nose Man. I wrote much of this many years ago, so I have edited it to make (some) sense, although it’s just a bit of fun really. For previous tabs find them through the sections displayed to your right. One new chapter up every fortnight!*

Chapter 6

Alex and Webb, partners in impending doom, worked their ways to the brink of nuclear waste vat number one. Implanted into the floor, The Doctor slammed his glove fist on the control panel, forcing it to yawn open.

“I thought that would have been far, far more difficult,” mused The Doctor, as the green sludge bubbled up from the vat. A fleck landed on Kent’s shoe, and watched it sizzle into the top of his shoe. He felt a tingle, but nothing more. Further exposure to this stuff would reduced you to a sludgy puddle.

“A grim way to go to be sure, but at least it’s something interesting to put on you obituaries...because let’s face it, you guys were going nowhere…” said The Doctor. “It’s time Webb. In you go.”

Webb’s face dropped. Soon it would drop gain, but straight off his face, into nothingness. The vat stirred, and the small pops of the churning pot could be bearly heard over Webb’s heavy, delayed breaths.

Webb stared into the burning emerald abyss. The Doctor nodded solemnly to the henchman poised behind him. A strong hand pushed into his back. Webb tumbled in, feet first. His legs sizzled away like fleshy sparklers.

“Someone will make you pay for this…you watch…” burbled Webb, as he dissolved upwards, his face melting away. The Doctor smirked.

“And who’s going to do that? It’s not going to be you, is it?” The Doctor swung round to Kent, a mocking expression painted on his face.

But then, as quick as a flash, a squad of officers stormed into the room, guns raised.

“Police! Freeze you scumbags! Your mini reign of terror is over, Doctor” cried the head of the group, named Officer Dodah.

“I don’t think so! Die pigs! Perforate them boys!” Cried the Doctor. As they threw themselves behind the pillars beside the vat, lighting up the room as they did so.

Kent threw himself behind another pillar. He eyed up the fire escape. He could make it. But he had to be fast.

*

FILM REVIEW- Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock Holmes (12a, 128 minutes)

By Guest Reviewer, Sherlock Holmes himself…

This strange turn of events began when I was asked, unexpectedly, to come along to the Tivoli Theatre in Wimborne last Tuesday night. Instructions regarding this invitation came forth in the form of a letter.

“Come alone,” demanded the note. This inspired nothing but trepidation within me. No faithful Watson by my side? “It is to watch a dramatised versions of one of your exploits. Tivoli at 7.30.” There were no further elaborations or any mark indicating who had sent it forth.

I decided to venture out, as I could simply not turn down the request. I had not had work for several weeks and this could be the start of something big. Plus to turn down a celebrations of my escapades would be foolish indeed.

Once I arrived within the theatre, which was an unexpected bustle of noise and excitement, I kept a close eye to see if I was being watched. No-one seemed to be eyeing me with malicious intent so I pressed onwards to my seat.

The screen lit up and the adaptation began. The first thing which struck me was how impressively grungy and authentic the film looked. It sucked me into Victorian era London to the point of which I felt like I was there myself. Which I was at one point, but that is getting beside the point.

The part of myself was played by the American Robert Downey Jnr. This struck me as odd and unfitting at first, and was not helped by the sheer speed of which the man spoke, which on occasions made it hard to distinguish what he was uttering. Surely I too, am not guilty too of speaking at a speed so hard to understand?

I did eventually accept this shortcoming and became fond of the man however, undoubtedly helped by Jude Law, who played my trusted companion Watson. He oozed quiet confidence and managed to create an engaging and enjoyable relationship with Downey Jnr.

As for the villain of the piece, the infamous Lord Blackwood, was ably imitated by Mark Strong. A sardonic, brooding threat, he kept the film moving along when it may have faltered.

As, make no mistake; this was not one of my more complex cases. It seemed the auteur of this film, Guy Ritchie, had to fill much of the time setting the scene and introducing the characters and their subsequent relationships. The main case, one of intrigue and surprising revelations, was hardly allowed to breathe.

Overall the case was an enjoyable one, but I feel subsequent chapters can become even more packed with suspense and mystery. There were exciting moments, such as a confidently fight scene with a towering Frenchman, but for its two hours run time it lacks the expected number of stunning set pieces.

Indeed, the end of the film was geared towards engineering another chapter and I anticipate that will be all the better thanks to this instalments sacrifices.

Once I had left the theatre I had managed to deduce, quite elegantly, that the note was sent by none other than my dear companion, Watson.

The reasons were obvious. He simply wanted to get rid of me so that he could spend more time with his wife. Apparently my continual pestering irks him so.

The fact I could not see this beforehand surprises even myself. But despite this trickery I managed to get the last laugh- the film was an unexpected triumph, and gave a unique interpretation of my great legend. If you’ll pardon the arrogance that last statement engenders.

FILM REVIEW- Up In The Air

Up In The Air (15, 109 minutes)

Is it a soaring success or a baggage leaden disaster?

Where?

Empire Cinema, Poole

Plot?

Ryan Bingham (Clooney) has a job where he flies around America firing employees for cowardly bosses. But the emergence of a new work partner and love interest threatens to alter his comfy existence.

Thoughts?

Does George Clooney ever act, and become a completely convincing fictional character? Or is his on screen persona simply an extension of himself?

It’s an interesting conundrum, but luckily one that never threatens to overshadow this latest effort from director Jason Reitman (Juno, Thank You For Smoking).

Mainly because the film suits Clooney to a tee. Smooth, confident with a hint of self depreciation, it boasts a charmingly slick veneer

The opening scenes, where Bingham’s set routine is demonstrated in a series of quick, effective series of shots, is a key example. It all clinks perfectly into place. It never feels forced, uneven or unsure.

This gives the film a certain clean cut charm, and for the most part you can sit back and enjoy the craft and assured technique Reitman has brought to the table.

One potential problem with any Hollywood product however, is that it can feel a little cold, with no link to the real world, and can end up a pretty yet unsatisfying mess as a result. This also is fortunately not an issue here.

Bingham may work for a company who deal in human misery and rejection, but he is still, somehow, a character easy to embrace.

This is demonstrated by perhaps one of Clooney’s most affecting acting ‘moments’ yet. Near the end, while Bingham is confronted with a difficult relationship decision, Clooney twists his face into one of sheer pain and rejection. Seeing this at first is strange, almost awkward, but then you realize it’s simply because you actually care about the character.

This, despite Clooney seemingly playing the same experienced, smug, suave womanizer he always inhabits. But he somehow manages to dig a little deeper under your skin this time, and it makes all the difference.

Anna Kendrick as Clooney’s co-worker, also provides invaluable support, offering a welcome innocence and underlying vulnerability next to Clooney’s unrelentingly world weary attitude.

An essential element in sustaining the film beyond a simple tale of a man escaping the real world is Vera Farmiga and the relationship her character has with Bingham. She has the calculating cool of Clooney but seems somehow more distant- yet she stills creates a warm and moving chemistry with Clooney, making the ending have even more impact.

But this gear change from Bingham’s cocooned lifestyle to him becoming embroiled in a relationship comes off as Reitman wanting the film to be both satire and romantic comedy, and he can’t quite pull it off.

Unlike Thank You for Smoking, which flailed and lost your interest in its final act, this does maintains your interest, but instead asks you to accept that it is almost two movies pasted together. It’s an acceptable compromise, but it does sadly hold it back from classic status.

Verdict?

A slick and almost clinical comedy that still strikes up a gentle charm. (3/5)

Haiku?

Clooney always smug,

But not too grating this time,

Worth seeing indeed!

Go Further…

· About an hour into the film the projector broke and we had to leave the cinema. Therefore the rest of the film was watched in a poor quality, stuttering online format. This may have resulted in an over-harsh judgement of the film as a whole

·Sam Elliot, the owner of the world’s coolest mustache, makes a small cameo. It is brilliant. The mustache, not the cameo. The cameo is merely ok compared to the magnificent hairy caterpillar which resides beneath Sam’s nose.

·Danny McBride is not convincing dramatic actor. His role in this film convinced me of this fact.

Second Opinion?

Empire loved it…

http://www.empireonline.com/reviews/reviewcomplete.asp?FID=136159

Trailer?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_m-Da8Tz4_E

LARGE NOSE MAN- Chapter 5

*What is this? A continuing story about a superhero I made up, Large Nose Man. I wrote much of this many years ago, so I have edited it to make (some) sense, although it’s just a bit of fun really. One new chapter up every fortnight!*

Chapter five

“Hello Ladies and gentlemen…its time to die!” Declared The Doctor, with his monocle continuing to glint menacingly.

“You’re an madman, there’s no ladies here!” blurted out Mr Webb, as Kent jumped behind the desk.

“Well, you look like a lady at least, and that’s good enough for me! Come on Webb, it time for us to take a little trip to the nuclear reactor. You too, pussy behind the desk! ” Declared The Doctor, signalling his goons to grab them.

“The reactor is locked up at the moment, and I’m not sure…“ tailed off Webb.

“I think you’ll find a way of opening it. We all know this day has been a long time coming. I’m just surprised that you just didn’t hand your factory over sooner…” interrupted The Doctor.

“To you? I would rather die!” Cried Webb, as one of the Doctors goons grabbed him and gestured for him to walk towards the door.

“This can, of course, be arranged. Thanks to a little…nuclear accident.” Laughed The Doctor, as the other goon grabbed Alex.

“Get moving you cowards!” Demanded one of the goons, as he rammed the end of his shotgun into Alex’s ribs.

Just my luck, Alex thought, as they walked down the empty corridor. If I were late I wouldn’t be dying in a few minutes. Damn my punctuality.

“Here it is….” mumbled Mr Webb, sadly, as he fumbled with the door’s keys.

“Come on, come on” said the Doctor impatiently. “I have other evil plans for today you know…”

As Webb stalled with his keys he mumbled to Alex. “I hope you have some kind of plan kid. Because I’ve got nothing…”

Alex looked at him with regretful eyes. He too, had nothing.

“Enough mumbling you two” grunted one of those goons, plunging his shotgun into Webb’s side.

The metal door clinked.

“Finally! You should have used your nuclear plant to mutate yourself and give yourself a third hand. God knows your slow ass needs one Webb!” Joked The Doctor. “Not including the huge amount of time you’ve cost the reader, reading this dull chapter!”

The door creaked open. Alex and Webb were minutes from a rather ugly and unfair nuclear related death, unless they thought of something. Anything.

*

For the other chapters, visit here-

http://ebtksonline.blogspot.com/search/label/Large%20Nose%20Man

FILM REVIEW- A Serious Man

A Serious Man (15-105 mins)

He’s not much of a man. Or very serious for that matter…

Where? Poole Lighthouse

Plot?

Larry Gopnik is a Jewish teacher trapped in 1967 suburbia, with a cheating wife, complaining children, bribing students, useless rabbis and a dysfunctional brother. Life keeps on piling on the problems, and he can’t cope…

Thoughts?

Burn after reading saw the Coens at their extravagant worst. Rambling, unfunny and ultimately dull, it was a million miles away from the eerie calm of No Country For Old Men, or the controlled chaos of the big Lebowski.

Although not a masterpiece, this is a return to form of sorts. It is a constantly downplayed and quiet film, but it is always engaging and has a drive Burn After Reading sorely lacked.

Most of this is down to unknown Michael Stuhlbarg, who imbues Larry with so much timid fragility, you will want to literally reach into the screen and shake him into taking some action.

His constant inability to deal with his problems makes him one of the most frustrating yet sympathetic characters yet seen on screen. You hope throughout that something, anything, will go in his favour.

But clearly that would ruin the joke, and the Coens aren’t playing by any rules. And that includes giving you a clear cut happy ending.

Black humour is the name of the game, and there are flashes of brilliance here that help lighten Larry’s seemingly endless slide into oblivion.

A rabbi’s tale of messages within a mans mouth is a confidently comedic sidestep, and some dream sequences which might be seen as out of place if they weren’t so powerfully memorable.

As for the films ending, god only knows. It is audacious and perplexing, and no doubt will leave many desperately searching for a concrete explanation.

There’s no easy answer here though. Is an ending not necessary like in the elder Rabbi’s tale, and therefore not needed? Is it religious payback for Larry’s morally questionable act at the films end? Is there any link between the end and the separated opening scene?

It’s all unknown, and some will find that as enthralling as others will find it deeply frustrating.

If you want your films to engender debate then this is perfect. But the debate will also be whether this is yet another decent but underwhelming Coen tale to add to the pile.

It is similar in many ways to Barton Fink, good and bad. They are both dark and brooding in tone, possess characters which you can’t predict, but ultimately fail to piece together their enjoyable moments into an all encompassing whole. Bitty, but enjoyable.

Overall, it is too coy, too unwilling to conform to audience expectations, to break the mainstream. A cult fan base surely awaits.

Verdict?

Another marmite flavoured slice of Coen pie. Easier to enjoy if you don't expect any easy answers. (3/5)

Go Further?

· Technically, this is the film the Coens filmed after No Country, but for some reason Burn After Reading was released after the Oscar winner.

· Note how there are no faces you recognise. Brave, and it adds immeasurably to the films understated tone.

· The film has an interesting soundtrack. You unfortunately don’t hear much Hendrix in films nowadays…

Haiku?

Coens hate the mainstream

This is a prime example

Refreshing indeed!

Second Opinion?

Mark Kermode thought it was refreshing to see such a film shy so far away from the mainstream...

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00nwvqy

(Halfway down the page, below Twilight)

Trailer?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tcUTv3LH3ss

FILM REVIEW- An Education

An Education (12A, 100 mins)

A lesson in how to manufacture pure bland

Plot?

Jenny (Mulligan), is a young schoolgirl who has to decide between an easy, wealthy, married life, or working hard and achieving an Oxford University education.

Thoughts?

This is a hard review to put together. Not that this film is so bad that it’s hard to put into words. Or that it’s so good that it’s hard to do it justice.

No, it’s because this is so thoroughly ok, so perfectly middle of the road, so shockingly unremarkable it’s hard to be either too harsh, or too generous in assessing it.

Mulligan puts in a decent performance as a troubled teen. But even though she is a more sympathetic character than, say, Bella in Twilight: New Moon (she doesn’t mope all the time for one, and she *gasp* actually smiles from time to time), she can’t sustain the whole film.

Molina makes probably the biggest impression as a doting, muddled father, but this is only as the rest of the characters are so white washed and flat- his slightly lovable and occasionally amusing turn was bound to stand out. In any other film he would hardly register.

The film also rushes through it’s conclusion a bit, but not enough to be a genuine flaw. It’s almost as if the director got a bit bored with what was happening and decided to cut it short.

It does mean the film is surprisingly brief for a (supposedly) lyrical and affecting drama, at just over half an hour. Depending on who you are that could be a merciful positive though.

Another minor annoyance is that the ending does not really justify the previous hundred minutes. Jenny’s character arc is not in anyway satisfying, and the tough choice she has to make near the end was completely pointless. Without ruining it, she, effectively, loses nothing through the option she made. She’s just held back a little bit.

In summary then, if this film was a life support machine, it would be one that is just, just, faintly alive. There are tiny blips of plot developments, so that your interest is never flat lined, but never does it go for the jugular, and get you truly involved in what’s occurring onscreen.

Right, time for a word count…338? That’s easily enough. Phew. That was hard work.

Verdict?

The definition of two stars. (2/5)

Haiku?

So, so, Average

Please, please, something bizarre happen

No? Two stars for you!

Go Further (this is going to be difficult)…

· Ummm, Emma Thompson has a small role as a head teacher. She’s a bit of a jerk of a character. That’s it really. No film stealing cameo here.

· The opening credits are quite nice, styled a bit like vector graphics. Enjoy it. It doesn’t get more visually interesting than that.

· This is based on a memoir, so no wonder it feels so slight, like a mere leaf floating in an updraft.

Second Opinion?

Revered American critic Roger Ebert thinks this films slow, slight nature is intentional…

http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20091021/REVIEWS/910219994/1023

Trailer?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXJPX0XvsHs

RANDOM RANT- Why when reading some bloggers posts you get the distinct impression they don’t care about forming coherent sentences for you to easily digest, they only want to talk and talk until you just want to reach through the screen so you can shake some actual sense out of t-t-t-t-them

I was reading Emily Bell’s column in the Media Guardian on Monday, and she had am interesting slant on newspapers and their inflexibility.

“Is this article already too long?” she enquired, but went on to explain that even if the answer is yes, she still has to “carry on writing until the space is full.”

Only problem was, her article itself demonstrated this issue better than she could have ever imagined. Her incisive opening paragraphs told you all you needed to know. The subsequent paragraphs were nothing but empty waffle. She might argue, but it is the sad truth. The article could have easily been half it’s length without surrendering anything of note.

Writing can be a superbly rewarding pastime. The fact you can carve out lyrical, emotive passages as well as rip-roaringly close to the knuckle arguments from mere words is a wonderful thing.

Newspapers’ slow death may mean the end of rigid structure and writer defined content, but I fear its replacement is a far bigger threat to truly great and worthwhile writing.

With blogs now commonplace, it is all too easy to find someone who rambles for paragraphs on end. On and on they go, with no clear structure, puking over you with their incessant and seemingly endless stream of consciousness.

Trying to remain enthusiastic while reading someone’s thoughts but seeing you are only a small fraction of the way through several hundreds of words can be a difficult task. In most cases it’s not worth wading through the verbal stodge.

So I ask; is it possible to have an easy halfway solution? Is there a middle ground that can be reached between newspapers rigid chains and the internet’s infinite word dump?

I fear not. The incentive to ramble on is far too tempting for some. Where else are they going to get their thoughts off their chests? But I won’t take any more of your time. I’ve gone on too long already.

FILM REVIEW- Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll

Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll (15)

Gives you plenty of reasons to be cheerful*

Where?

At the Empire cinema at Tower Park

Plot?

The biopic of eccentric 70’s-80’s rocker Ian Dury, who had to fight through childhood of suffering polio, and then years later faced another struggle, having to balance both his band and family commitments.

Thoughts?

Opening with a flurry of quick cut editing alongside a dizzying cocktail of animation and live action, many viewers will be begging only a few minutes in for the the film to slowdown so they can catch up.

Luckily for those easily susceptible to migraines it does. But throughout this biopic there are enough flashes of the films manic opening to keep you engaged with ease.

This film is eager to show you some of Dury’s more bizarre mannerisms, but it is more than eager to go further under his skin to show you why he was a man who was always fighting back against difficult circumstances.

Not eager to offer you a straightforward, clear cut three act structure, the film ambitiously blends flashbacks from Dury’s troubled past with the highpoints of his career to impressive effect. It helps to create a rambunctious but surprisingly coherent tale.

But easily the most convincing element of this biopic is Ian Serkis’ as Dury himself. Stepping into such a maverick and unique character must have been a huge challenge, but Serkis pulls off a totally believable version of Dury on and off the music stage, but never slips into offering a one-note impersonation. His skill is making us see him as Dury, and not simply as an actor playing him, and for this he deserves all the inevitable Oscar speculation.

Ray Winstone (Dury’s soft spoken father), Naomie Harris (his loving but emotionally torn assistant) and Bill Milner (his confused son) all offer up solid support, but much like Dury himself, no-one out performs the main man.

The film doesn’t cover everything however, and those uninitiated in Dury lore may not be convinced, that he is worth his own film. At least a little knowledge of Dury’s exploits are a necessity here.

And for hardcore fans, there may not be enough of Dury’s actual music and gigs shown, with a surprising lack of coverage of the actual songs and records being made that made his legacy.

As well as this the film does feel a little stretched, and could have done with exorcising some seemingly superfluous scenes to cut down the near two hour running time.

But excess baggage (of the emotional kind) is the overiding impression you get from Dury, so this is quite a fitting flaw.

Despite being an occasionally frustrating and flawed persona, Dury was capable of entertaining in a way that was funny as well as moving. The same can be said of this admirable effort at documenting him.

Verdict?

A bumpy ride, but one worth taking thanks to Serkis’ great performance and Whitecross’ assured and unique direction. (3/5)

Go further…

· With this and Nowhere Boy, as well as Telstar from last year the British film industry seems on a roll making solid music biopics.

· Ian Serkis seems to have a future in voice-overs if his film career goes downhill- he can not only do Dury gravelly tones, but he has also lended his vocals for the voice of Gollum in Lord of the Rings.

Haiku Summary…

Eccentric story,

Made by people who love it,

Enjoyable stuff!

Second Opinions?

Times writer Kevin Maher thought Serkis was convincing, perhaps unerringly so, in this article-

http://entertainment.timesonline.co.uk/tol/arts_and_entertainment/film/article6942759.ece

Mark Kermode thinks Serkis’ performance goes beyond mere impersonation, in this video-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=spopVKc9vMk&NR=1

Trailer?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMKjx8ilLCY

*Other obvious taglines included- Hit Me With Your Decent Film Stick, Back to Blighty For Another Music Biopic, Just a Load of Cacka Boom?, Does This Have Delusions of Grandeur?, Will Make You Happy Hippy, and What a Waste (if the film was bad).