So the World Cup is over. It’s just a few weeks until the league season starts afresh, but this will feel like years to many football fans, trust me.
Looking for other things to occupy the time is difficult, but one stopgap could be to watch a film. But we all know when film comes into contact with football the result is usually utter tosh. Remember Goal (above)? Or rather don’t- it was rubbish.
So moving on, here is my attempt to liken every team that participated in this years World Cup to a film- some are incredibly tenuous though, so if you can think of any better please feel free to let me know…
Algeria = Ferngully: The Last Rainforest (1992)
Both have some link to green, in either shirt colour or environmental outlook, and are not really the type of thing anyone wants to watch if they had the choice.
Argentina = Apocalypto (2006)
A slightly crazed guy is responsible for driving both efforts (Maradona and Mel Gibson respectively), and both are also pretty entertaining to watch.
Australia = Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome (1985)
A decent effort, despite some poor moments, but their predecessor was much, much better.
Brazil = Terminator 2 (1991)
Despite the technical excellence, they lack the heart of their predecessor/s. Neither can really be held in the same regard as their prior incarnations.
Cameroon = Terminator Salvation (2009)
Both possibly destabilized due to one big star (Eto’o and Christian Bale respectively) dwarfing the rest of the teams effort, and therefore resulting in a bit of an unorganized, boring mess.
Chile = Commando (1985)
Sure, neither is ever going to win any actual awards, but at least they go full out to entertain- and achieve that aim with aplomb.
Denmark = Three Colours: Red (1994)
Both are European, and have much to do with the colour red. Next!
England = Batman and Robin (1997)
Despite a decent array of talent at their disposal, both are undone by poor management/directing decisions. They therefore ended up being roundly hated by all.
France = Heavens Gate (1980)
Constant disharmony amongst all involved meant that both ended up as being seen as a joke, and guilty wasting criminal amounts of talent/money.
Germany = The Evil Dead (1981)
Both involved groups of young kids who despite no-one expected to be able to compete, fought against the odds and managed to create a simple but effective style of entertainment.
Ghana = The African Queen (1951)
Both involve battling against the odds, and there’s also the rather obvious Africa connection. That’s more than enough, so let’s move on…
Greece = Exorcist II: The Herectic (1977)
Very poor efforts, and made any success its previous iterations had seem a fluke (Greece winning the Euros in 2004, and the first Exorcist respectively).
Honduras = What Just Happened (2008)
Unfortunately, despite the efforts of all involved, both are completely forgettable in every way.
Italy = A View To Kill (1985)
Old, tired, and in desperate need of re-invention. They are both sadly one of the worst of a line of decent past iterations…
Ivory Coast = Horton Hears A Who! (2008)
Both either involve or are linked to elephants. Plus they’re both quite colourful (Ivory Coast’s shirts/the films palette). That’s all I’ve got.
Japan = Akira (1988)
Besides the obvious Tokyo connections, both are also technically excellent but lacking the necessary qualities to be truly great.
Mexico = Rambo (2008)
You enjoy watching them if they’re on television, but you know they won’t be truly great or last a great while (Rambo is only 92 minutes long, Mexico rarely go beyond the second round).
Netherlands = The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly (1966)
Good= Sneijder. Bad= Van Bommel. Ugly= The way they approach football in general.
New Zealand = Rocky (1975)
Both involve a lot of heart and grit-but don’t expect them to win in the end.
Nigeria = Battlefield Earth (2000)
Despite the large resources to call on, they still both end up disappointing.
North Korea = Back To The Future Part II (1989)
Both try and mine inspiration from successes in the past, but fail to truly match up to them. Despite that, both have their good moments.
Paraguay = Quarantine (2008)
Yes, it’s quite good, but in the end both aren’t as good as something related to Spain (either the Spanish original film, or just Spain the football side). That good enough?
Portugal = How To Lose Friends and Alienate People (2008)
Despite both boasting talent in their line up, they play it too safe, taking few risks, and end up not pleasing anyone.
Serbia = Escape to Victory (1981)
Both share the same achievement- beating the Germans. Apart from that, they’re a bit rubbish.
Slovakia = Reservoir Dogs (1992)
A good debut (Dogs was Tarantino’s first real film), although it hints that the best could be yet to come…
Slovenia = Clerks (1994)
Despite being against the odds and having little expectation behind them, they performed admirably and were reasonably entertaining.
South Africa = Out of Africa (1985)
South Africa made sure that many wanted out of their stadiums and Africa as soon as possible, thanks to the endless drone of the vuvuzela…
South Korea = The Good, The Bad and The Weird (2008)
Both Korean, as well as usually going all out to entertain. Both can lose focus at key times though.
Spain = 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)
Despite all the technical excellence on show, both are hard to truly love. They are both things to respect, but could never be considered hugely entertaining.
Switzerland = Triangle (2009)
Well structured and competent, but likely to leave you frustrated and with a bit of a headache.
USA = Transformers (2007)
Despite all out attempts to impress you, they both fall up short of being anywhere near good enough to be true classics.
Uruguay = Citizen Kane (1941)
With their best days seemingly behind them, both are still capable of proving everyone wrong and can still entertain.
No comments:
Post a Comment