Mmmmm, Christmas TV guides. Feel the weight of the many pages. The happy smiling faces on the front. So many pages of meaningless waffle, as (if you’re me) you rapidly flick through to the film pages to see which version of Christmas Carol gets to be shown on the 24th.
This year it’s the Patrick Stewart one. The blandest of the lot. Decent enough but it’s got no Muppets. Or Bill Murray. Or Alastair Sim. Ah well. All the good ones have been played the last few days of course, but the Christmas Eve slot is the one essential to filling you with the necessary level of festive spirit.
Alternatives beyond watching Captain Picard turned Victorian miser are in short supply. Where’s A Wonderful Life, for instance? The schedulers really missed a trick here.
Gremlins on ITV2 is an unconventional Christmas offering, but it’s probably the best you’re going to get. I’m not kidding.
But don’t worry, pipes up ITV3. We have Overboard on at 9! Overboard? Overboard?! How is a sun drenched romantic comedy with Kurt Russell (as cool as he is) and Goldie Hawn in any way or description a Christmas film?
I think there must be some kind of joke or dare going on here behind the scenes. It’s the only explanation. Need proof? Scarface on ITV4. I am lost for words.
All the schedulers must be have joined up and decided that this year, instead of instilling joy within all TV viewers with a good film; they would band together and laugh at them.
If I was in their position I would too. And install secret cameras in the hapless fool’s televisions so I could watch their exasperated faces as they struggle to come to terms with their meagre viewing options.
They would eventually give up on watching Kurt Russell’s mugging, and force themselves to interact with each other, building up a good old Christmas family togetherness. Maybe Patrick Stewarts lame Carol offering isn’t so worthless after all.
*Merry Christmas everyone!*
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