LARGE NOSE MAN- Chapter 7

*What is this? A continuing story about a superhero I made up, Large Nose Man. I wrote much of this many years ago, so I have edited it to make (some) sense, although it’s just a bit of fun really. For previous tabs find them through the sections displayed to your right. One new chapter up every month*

Chapter 7

The police fell like cheap skittles as The Doctor’s henchmen tore through them with their machine guns.
Alex made a break for the fire escape. The Doctor caught him in the corner of his eye as he peppered the door with fire. Kent then tried to escape it by running to the far corner, amongst the many tall glass vats of bubbling green nuclear filth.
“You can’t escape coward…and especially not behind vats I can see through…” smirked the Doctor. He stared straight through the glass to meet Kent’s shaking eyes, full of fear.
“Come on, I can help you, I’ll help balance the books, secure your finances…anything…” Rambled Kent. He wasn’t particularly selling his worth, and he knew it.
“I’m afraid I’m my own man. I don’t need some shrivelled waste of life like you by my side. Goodbye, Mr…” The Doctor paused to think. “Wait, what’s your name again?”
“Kent, Alex” Kent replied.
“Ah, good, good. Goodbye, Mr Kent…”Said the doctor, as he raised his gun, and fired straight through the tank.
The bullet struck Kent square in the face as he tumbled backwards, the colour fading from his vision.
“Hahaha! Right in the schnozz!” Laughed The Doctor. The vat cracked and the green liquid ooze began to trickle and fizz across the floor. “Time to go, methinks…”
As The Doctor and his goons strolled from the room, Kent felt his face tingle, a burning sensation creeping all over him. The room blurred, and as he fell all went black…

RANDOM RANT-Death

Afraid of death? Does the thought of your life being drained away by the reapers cold hand send you into bouts of tingling sweat?

Well man up, damn it. Or a least, that’s what I would be telling you, if I wasn’t horribly reminded of my cowardice just last night.

Snuggled up in bed, I heard a creak emerge from our hallway. All of a sudden, I was bombarded with terrifying thoughts.

A murderer had slipped in through the window, I reasoned, and I was merely moments from being hacked into human prosciutto through my tangle of bedsheets.

Rationality had clearly been thrown out of the window (it turned out to be someone going for a glass of water), but that didn’t stop me being half scared to death of er, death.

The most irking thing about all this though, was that I was always under the impression that my view of life was bleak. Like the values of a Goth, but without the wrist cutting or stupid hair.

But this non-existent threat puts it all in focus. I may think my life is worthless, but, illogically, I want to grasp onto it all the same.

It’s all to do with seeing what will happen next. Like a drama that only I find gripping and meaningful.

So even if my story ends up a crushingly dull life working in IT, where I suicidally smash my face into fleshy mush on a keyboard, it could be, to me, a poignant tragedy. Although most would see it as pure black comedy.

So anyway, death. It can be funny. But most of the time it’s terrifying. Even if you don’t want it to be. Despite what the Blue Oyster Cult say, It’s hard not to fear the reaper…

FILM REVIEW- Bright Star

*Told in an melancholic 3-verse poem form, best enjoyed while lying in a field of wild flowers, staring wistfully across a lake while children frolic in the fields around you*

Hark! What is this? Another film from Jane Campion,

Creator of the achingly dull Piano, alas,

I am unsure my mind can take another two hours or rambling tosh, evermore.

 

Not so bad though, is this latest paramour,

A biopic of poet John Keats later years and the relationship he shared,

With a small ensemble Campion draws us in.

 

Ben Whishaw plays Keats as a distracted, odd talent,

All nervous darting eyes and hangdog expressions,

Hard to love but his slow, deliberate reading of his verse well played.

 

Abbie Cornish as his muse always torn,

She gains our attention but perhaps not our hearts,

As such a slushy over emotional bore she sometimes become.

 

Heaven thank then, Paul Schneider,

Whose barbed comments and hostility towards Abbie,

Helps give the film a needed jolt out of its continually romantic musings.

 

Campion frames the film with the necessary air of wistfulness,

Yet several scenes jar, with previous developments left unmentioned,

Creating an occasionally frustrating and torturous narrative.

 

Perhaps it is a deliberate flaw to represent loves hurdles,

Those who love somewhat preening self indulgent waffle will hold it to their hearts,

But those with cold hearts will no doubt be bored beyond rational thought, evermore.

FILM REVIEW- Bunny And The Bull

Bunny and the Bull (15, 101 minutes)

Can it be as mighty as the Boosh?

Where?

The Lighthouse, Poole

Plot?

Stephen (Edward Hogg) lives by a strict, organized routine, and is afraid to leave his house. But when he starts looking through his possessions he thinks back to his eventful road trip with the rambunctious Bunny (Simon Faranaby).

Thoughts?

When watching an episode of cult BBC show the Mighty Boosh, you either watch two types of episode.

You are either whisked away to a surreal world rammed full of characters you could never begin to imagine, as well as being spoilt with an abundance of witty and quotable dialogue.

Or you are dragged through a misfiring sludge, full of characters that never hit their mark, and fumbling, misfiring dialogue.

This film debut from Boosh director Paul King, mixes a little bit of both, resulting in a film that is refreshingly different in tone, but also has a disappointing undercooked aftertaste.

So much has been discussed about the films visual style, but with good reason- it’s a constant barrage of hand crafted visual delightfulness.

There’s admirable low budget bravado in King’s use of confetti snow, cling film ice and crepe paper flames that really mark him out as a director to watch.

But as much as you’re won over by the films looks, the frequently slack writing contrives to pull the film down.

It’s hard to understand what some scenes are trying to achieve. It constantly flicks from simple laughs to meandering non-sequitirs that go nowhere. In the Boosh they worked to occasionally laugh out loud extremes- here they never get that far off the ground.

Frustratingly, the film does work on both an visual and script level, such as a scene involving Boosh star Julian Barratt as a dog loving tramp, which although not side-splitting, is an amusing side-step.

And there’s nothing fatally wrong with the acting on show either, which makes the flat dialogue even more depressing.

Hogg cuts a lovably pathetic misfit, and Farnaby manages to mix vulgarity and charm as the alcoholic Bunny, but both get little chance to develop their characters.

As a result you feel little emotional connection to them in the film’s final act, when you feel you should.

Treat this film like a foul sponge cake covered in a beautiful, glittering icing decoration- enjoy how it looks by all means, but scrape no further underneath- you’ll only be underwhelmed.

Verdict?

A shabbily written mess, saved to some degree by its wondrous lo-fi visuals. (2/5)

Haiku?

Wonderfully odd,

Looks like a hand made dream world,

Shame about the plot!

Go Further…

· King is rumoured to be directing the film adaptation of Paddington Bear. The background design for the betting shop scene in this shows he is the right man for the job- it has the same sketchy, ramshackle feel.

· Listen out for a voice cameo by Rich Fulcher, Boosh’s Bob Fossil, as Captain Crab near the beginning of the film.

·Hogg and Farnaby played Boosh’s Howard Moon and Vince Noir’s rivals in a series 3 episode of the show.

Second Opinion?

Little White Lies thought it a brilliant British gem…

http://www.littlewhitelies.co.uk/theatrical-reviews/bunny-and-the-bull/

Trailer?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0L9VlgJitmA

LARGE NOSE MAN- Chapter 6

*What is this? A continuing story about a superhero I made up, Large Nose Man. I wrote much of this many years ago, so I have edited it to make (some) sense, although it’s just a bit of fun really. For previous tabs find them through the sections displayed to your right. One new chapter up every fortnight!*

Chapter 6

Alex and Webb, partners in impending doom, worked their ways to the brink of nuclear waste vat number one. Implanted into the floor, The Doctor slammed his glove fist on the control panel, forcing it to yawn open.

“I thought that would have been far, far more difficult,” mused The Doctor, as the green sludge bubbled up from the vat. A fleck landed on Kent’s shoe, and watched it sizzle into the top of his shoe. He felt a tingle, but nothing more. Further exposure to this stuff would reduced you to a sludgy puddle.

“A grim way to go to be sure, but at least it’s something interesting to put on you obituaries...because let’s face it, you guys were going nowhere…” said The Doctor. “It’s time Webb. In you go.”

Webb’s face dropped. Soon it would drop gain, but straight off his face, into nothingness. The vat stirred, and the small pops of the churning pot could be bearly heard over Webb’s heavy, delayed breaths.

Webb stared into the burning emerald abyss. The Doctor nodded solemnly to the henchman poised behind him. A strong hand pushed into his back. Webb tumbled in, feet first. His legs sizzled away like fleshy sparklers.

“Someone will make you pay for this…you watch…” burbled Webb, as he dissolved upwards, his face melting away. The Doctor smirked.

“And who’s going to do that? It’s not going to be you, is it?” The Doctor swung round to Kent, a mocking expression painted on his face.

But then, as quick as a flash, a squad of officers stormed into the room, guns raised.

“Police! Freeze you scumbags! Your mini reign of terror is over, Doctor” cried the head of the group, named Officer Dodah.

“I don’t think so! Die pigs! Perforate them boys!” Cried the Doctor. As they threw themselves behind the pillars beside the vat, lighting up the room as they did so.

Kent threw himself behind another pillar. He eyed up the fire escape. He could make it. But he had to be fast.

*

FILM REVIEW- Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock Holmes (12a, 128 minutes)

By Guest Reviewer, Sherlock Holmes himself…

This strange turn of events began when I was asked, unexpectedly, to come along to the Tivoli Theatre in Wimborne last Tuesday night. Instructions regarding this invitation came forth in the form of a letter.

“Come alone,” demanded the note. This inspired nothing but trepidation within me. No faithful Watson by my side? “It is to watch a dramatised versions of one of your exploits. Tivoli at 7.30.” There were no further elaborations or any mark indicating who had sent it forth.

I decided to venture out, as I could simply not turn down the request. I had not had work for several weeks and this could be the start of something big. Plus to turn down a celebrations of my escapades would be foolish indeed.

Once I arrived within the theatre, which was an unexpected bustle of noise and excitement, I kept a close eye to see if I was being watched. No-one seemed to be eyeing me with malicious intent so I pressed onwards to my seat.

The screen lit up and the adaptation began. The first thing which struck me was how impressively grungy and authentic the film looked. It sucked me into Victorian era London to the point of which I felt like I was there myself. Which I was at one point, but that is getting beside the point.

The part of myself was played by the American Robert Downey Jnr. This struck me as odd and unfitting at first, and was not helped by the sheer speed of which the man spoke, which on occasions made it hard to distinguish what he was uttering. Surely I too, am not guilty too of speaking at a speed so hard to understand?

I did eventually accept this shortcoming and became fond of the man however, undoubtedly helped by Jude Law, who played my trusted companion Watson. He oozed quiet confidence and managed to create an engaging and enjoyable relationship with Downey Jnr.

As for the villain of the piece, the infamous Lord Blackwood, was ably imitated by Mark Strong. A sardonic, brooding threat, he kept the film moving along when it may have faltered.

As, make no mistake; this was not one of my more complex cases. It seemed the auteur of this film, Guy Ritchie, had to fill much of the time setting the scene and introducing the characters and their subsequent relationships. The main case, one of intrigue and surprising revelations, was hardly allowed to breathe.

Overall the case was an enjoyable one, but I feel subsequent chapters can become even more packed with suspense and mystery. There were exciting moments, such as a confidently fight scene with a towering Frenchman, but for its two hours run time it lacks the expected number of stunning set pieces.

Indeed, the end of the film was geared towards engineering another chapter and I anticipate that will be all the better thanks to this instalments sacrifices.

Once I had left the theatre I had managed to deduce, quite elegantly, that the note was sent by none other than my dear companion, Watson.

The reasons were obvious. He simply wanted to get rid of me so that he could spend more time with his wife. Apparently my continual pestering irks him so.

The fact I could not see this beforehand surprises even myself. But despite this trickery I managed to get the last laugh- the film was an unexpected triumph, and gave a unique interpretation of my great legend. If you’ll pardon the arrogance that last statement engenders.

FILM REVIEW- Up In The Air

Up In The Air (15, 109 minutes)

Is it a soaring success or a baggage leaden disaster?

Where?

Empire Cinema, Poole

Plot?

Ryan Bingham (Clooney) has a job where he flies around America firing employees for cowardly bosses. But the emergence of a new work partner and love interest threatens to alter his comfy existence.

Thoughts?

Does George Clooney ever act, and become a completely convincing fictional character? Or is his on screen persona simply an extension of himself?

It’s an interesting conundrum, but luckily one that never threatens to overshadow this latest effort from director Jason Reitman (Juno, Thank You For Smoking).

Mainly because the film suits Clooney to a tee. Smooth, confident with a hint of self depreciation, it boasts a charmingly slick veneer

The opening scenes, where Bingham’s set routine is demonstrated in a series of quick, effective series of shots, is a key example. It all clinks perfectly into place. It never feels forced, uneven or unsure.

This gives the film a certain clean cut charm, and for the most part you can sit back and enjoy the craft and assured technique Reitman has brought to the table.

One potential problem with any Hollywood product however, is that it can feel a little cold, with no link to the real world, and can end up a pretty yet unsatisfying mess as a result. This also is fortunately not an issue here.

Bingham may work for a company who deal in human misery and rejection, but he is still, somehow, a character easy to embrace.

This is demonstrated by perhaps one of Clooney’s most affecting acting ‘moments’ yet. Near the end, while Bingham is confronted with a difficult relationship decision, Clooney twists his face into one of sheer pain and rejection. Seeing this at first is strange, almost awkward, but then you realize it’s simply because you actually care about the character.

This, despite Clooney seemingly playing the same experienced, smug, suave womanizer he always inhabits. But he somehow manages to dig a little deeper under your skin this time, and it makes all the difference.

Anna Kendrick as Clooney’s co-worker, also provides invaluable support, offering a welcome innocence and underlying vulnerability next to Clooney’s unrelentingly world weary attitude.

An essential element in sustaining the film beyond a simple tale of a man escaping the real world is Vera Farmiga and the relationship her character has with Bingham. She has the calculating cool of Clooney but seems somehow more distant- yet she stills creates a warm and moving chemistry with Clooney, making the ending have even more impact.

But this gear change from Bingham’s cocooned lifestyle to him becoming embroiled in a relationship comes off as Reitman wanting the film to be both satire and romantic comedy, and he can’t quite pull it off.

Unlike Thank You for Smoking, which flailed and lost your interest in its final act, this does maintains your interest, but instead asks you to accept that it is almost two movies pasted together. It’s an acceptable compromise, but it does sadly hold it back from classic status.

Verdict?

A slick and almost clinical comedy that still strikes up a gentle charm. (3/5)

Haiku?

Clooney always smug,

But not too grating this time,

Worth seeing indeed!

Go Further…

· About an hour into the film the projector broke and we had to leave the cinema. Therefore the rest of the film was watched in a poor quality, stuttering online format. This may have resulted in an over-harsh judgement of the film as a whole

·Sam Elliot, the owner of the world’s coolest mustache, makes a small cameo. It is brilliant. The mustache, not the cameo. The cameo is merely ok compared to the magnificent hairy caterpillar which resides beneath Sam’s nose.

·Danny McBride is not convincing dramatic actor. His role in this film convinced me of this fact.

Second Opinion?

Empire loved it…

http://www.empireonline.com/reviews/reviewcomplete.asp?FID=136159

Trailer?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_m-Da8Tz4_E