E-B-T-K-S

GAMING: One A Day Project and Retro Revisited Blog

2011-02-08T07:28:00.000-08:00

Hmmmm, has it really been that long since i've posted anything on here?

Well, i'm not completely out of the blogging loop, as i've been taking part in the One A Day 2011 project - where you must write about something every day.

Instead of rambling about my inconsequential life (which I know the majority could not care about), I decided to write about a retro game every day. Some you will have heard about. Others, perhaps not. Hence the name of the site, Retro Revisited.

Whether I can get 365 posts done, I do not know, but i'll give it a damn good try. You can catch up with over 10,000 words of retro related ramblings right here.

You can also subscribe to my Twitter feed here. I pretty much just tweet about the blog by the way. Not about every single thing that i'm doing in a day, therefore swamping your feed (I hate those type of people). I'll follow you right back if you do so, unless you're one of the aforementioned feed swampers.

GAMING: Black Ops and Batman reviews on Pocket Gamer

2010-11-20T11:48:00.000-08:00

I've just reviewed Black Ops for a major videogame website. True, it's the DS version, but it's not a bad little game at all. Read my thoughts on Pocket Gamer's website here.

Feel free to mock my ill informed judgement using the sites commenting system- I can take it.

For those of you that aren't fans of games where you shoot Cubans in the face (what is wrong with you?) I also wrote a review a while back on the same site about punching supervillains in the face- Batman: The Brave and the Bold on DS. Read (and possibly mock) it here.

I'm hoping to write a bit more on here in the near future, although naturally, don't hold your breath.

SPORT- Lee Bradbury’s All-Star Select Vs The Southern Co-op Group

2010-11-10T06:39:00.000-08:00

*NOTE* This has been a long time coming, but take a quick look at the trailer below to get an idea what this is about...

Event- 28^th May, 7pm, Fareham Town’s ground, Cams Alder Sports Stadium

By Simon Reed (CSA at the West Moors Co-op)

Being the last two of the Co-op team to arrive at the Cams Alder Sports Stadium my fellow colleague Russell and I had just enough time to don our yellow co-operative shirts and take to the pitch. We little idea what to expect from the game, but personally, I was very nervous.

As we lined up next to the All Star team in front of a crowd of around 300 I couldn’t help but notice that their teams titular player, Lee Bradbury, was strangely absent from their line up. This was no weak side we were playing though, as Darren Anderton, Sammy Igoe, Joel Partington and Linvoy Primus-all ex stars or current pros- were all lined up against us.

It didn’t take too long to find out that we were no match for the All Star team. The game quickly set into a pattern of constant All-Star attacks, with our team unable to get hold of the ball for more than ten seconds.

One of our main problems was opposing player Darren Anderton, of ex-England/Tottenham fame, as he was near impossible to get the ball off. He knew exactly what he was going to do with the ball about an hour before he got it, and none of our players had any answer on how to deal with him. Or the All-Star team in general.

It was a great achievement then, that the game stayed 0-0 for the opening 20 minutes. The inevitable did occur though, when the All Star’s broke through, and then made it 2-0 shortly after. I believe it was at this point that many of our team realised the game could turn into the rout we had feared and expected.

Fortunately, the compete lack of attacking threat we had displayed up to this point worked in our favour. A few minutes before half time my colleague Russell entered the All Stars box, and was held off by ex-Portsmouth player/man mountain Linvoy Primus.

Primus did obviously not expect a Southern Co-op worker to be capable of turning him and blasting the ball into the bottom corner. But that’s exactly what Russell did, and all of a sudden we were only 2-1 down, and actually back in the game.

Sadly this act of resistance was like awakening a sleeping giant and the All-Stars quickly regained their two goal lead to make it (a still respectable) 3-1 at half time.

Our half-time team talk pretty much consisted of attempts to be more organised and have a better shape, so that we wouldn’t be ripped to shreds like in the first half. But when your opposition consists of ex-England and Premiership professionals we all knew the aim was damage limitation.

Unfortunately in the second half the All-Stars were still running right through us; but at least in this half we were each organised enough to know where to be on the pitch to allow them to run right through us.

Lee Bradbury however, finally turned up, and seemed in a playful mood, helping out one of our players when he pulled up with cramp and laughing off one of our players when he hauled him to the ground. Bradbury failed to score as I recall, but the All Stars still racked up three more goals, making it 6-1 at full time.

Overall though, we were a more consistent attacking threat in the second half, and it was only the ball hogging antics of one of our forwards that meant we failed to add to our goal tally of one. Even near the end when we decided to throw all our players onto the pitch, meaning we outnumbered the All Star players at around two to one, we still failed to score.

With the final whistle going and the score 6-1, most of us realised that being a mere team of convenience store workers, only losing by five goals to such an incredible team of players was probably as good as any of us could have realistically hoped for

Well done to all those who played, as well as thanks to those who came to watch, as all the money raised through the event went towards the Help For Heroes Campaign.

GAMING: Professor Layton and the Express Disaster

2010-10-24T09:13:00.000-07:00

Did you see it? The Daily Express' Professor Layton advert cover that is. Basically, The Express dedicated an extra cover to the new Layton game 'Professor Layton and the Lost Future,' with the actual paper hidden inside. Here it is if you didn't get the chance to see it:

Bizarre isn't it? Judging from the many confused expressions I spotted from customers looking at this cover I would say that this cover was a mistake- by The Express and Level 5.

Over fifty copies were left over in our shop in which I work, where usually there are around 5 or 6. I've said it many times before, but most people are easily confused. So the Express readership, who are mostly middle aged or older, would likely have been bemused by this cover and therefore avoided it, scuttling away from it in a confused stupor.

I liked it though. So much so I kept a few copies of the cover. Sad I know, but there you go. If anyone else wants a copy of this rare piece of Layton memorabilia let me know. Here's some inside and back pics of it.

GAMING: 3DS Rumour Mill Continues...

2010-09-27T11:59:00.000-07:00

I'm currently completing a work placement/internship/unpaid period of work at the Pocket Gamer website, so i'll put the stories I don't think are going to make the cut on there on here, including a recent rumour about the 3DS released date...

Please keep up with me on Twitter on https://twitter.com/EBTKS

If you add me i'll add you straight back. Cheers.

A German tabloid paper has claimed they know the release date and price for Nintendo's 3DS before it has even been officially announced.

Bild, the highest selling newspaper in Europe, has reported that the console will be released on November 11^th this year in Japan and early 2011 in Europe.

The paper goes on to price the handheld at €200 and has suggested that launch titles would include Mario Kart 3D, The Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina of Time 3D and Professor Layton and the Mask of Miracle.

With Nintendo expected to make the official announcement this Wednesday it will soon become clear whether this is simply Bild publishing rumours to boost sales, or actual honest investigative reporting.

Although the paper is the German equivalent of the Sun it did manage to predict the announcement of the Wii controller 2 days before it was announced back in 2005.

To add further confusion an ex employee of peripheral make Factory Keys recently claimed a November 20^th release for the 3DS in Japan. Who knows what to believe...i'm just looking forward for a concrete date to mark on my calendar.

EDIT- Turns out, Bild got it wrong. Silly, silly Bild...

FILM/SPORT- The World Cup Goes To The Movies...

2010-07-16T13:22:00.000-07:00

So the World Cup is over. It’s just a few weeks until the league season starts afresh, but this will feel like years to many football fans, trust me.

Looking for other things to occupy the time is difficult, but one stopgap could be to watch a film. But we all know when film comes into contact with football the result is usually utter tosh. Remember Goal (above)? Or rather don’t- it was rubbish.

So moving on, here is my attempt to liken every team that participated in this years World Cup to a film- some are incredibly tenuous though, so if you can think of any better please feel free to let me know…

Algeria = Ferngully: The Last Rainforest (1992)

Both have some link to green, in either shirt colour or environmental outlook, and are not really the type of thing anyone wants to watch if they had the choice.

Argentina = Apocalypto (2006)

A slightly crazed guy is responsible for driving both efforts (Maradona and Mel Gibson respectively), and both are also pretty entertaining to watch.

Australia = Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome (1985)

A decent effort, despite some poor moments, but their predecessor was much, much better.

Brazil = Terminator 2 (1991)

Despite the technical excellence, they lack the heart of their predecessor/s. Neither can really be held in the same regard as their prior incarnations.

Cameroon = Terminator Salvation (2009)

Both possibly destabilized due to one big star (Eto’o and Christian Bale respectively) dwarfing the rest of the teams effort, and therefore resulting in a bit of an unorganized, boring mess.

Chile = Commando (1985)

Sure, neither is ever going to win any actual awards, but at least they go full out to entertain- and achieve that aim with aplomb.

Denmark = Three Colours: Red (1994)

Both are European, and have much to do with the colour red. Next!

England = Batman and Robin (1997)

Despite a decent array of talent at their disposal, both are undone by poor management/directing decisions. They therefore ended up being roundly hated by all.

France = Heavens Gate (1980)

Constant disharmony amongst all involved meant that both ended up as being seen as a joke, and guilty wasting criminal amounts of talent/money.

Germany = The Evil Dead (1981)

Both involved groups of young kids who despite no-one expected to be able to compete, fought against the odds and managed to create a simple but effective style of entertainment.

Ghana = The African Queen (1951)

Both involve battling against the odds, and there’s also the rather obvious Africa connection. That’s more than enough, so let’s move on…

Greece = Exorcist II: The Herectic (1977)

Very poor efforts, and made any success its previous iterations had seem a fluke (Greece winning the Euros in 2004, and the first Exorcist respectively).

Honduras = What Just Happened (2008)

Unfortunately, despite the efforts of all involved, both are completely forgettable in every way.

Italy = A View To Kill (1985)

Old, tired, and in desperate need of re-invention. They are both sadly one of the worst of a line of decent past iterations…

Ivory Coast = Horton Hears A Who! (2008)

Both either involve or are linked to elephants. Plus they’re both quite colourful (Ivory Coast’s shirts/the films palette). That’s all I’ve got.

Japan = Akira (1988)

Besides the obvious Tokyo connections, both are also technically excellent but lacking the necessary qualities to be truly great.

Mexico = Rambo (2008)

You enjoy watching them if they’re on television, but you know they won’t be truly great or last a great while (Rambo is only 92 minutes long, Mexico rarely go beyond the second round).

Netherlands = The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly (1966)

Good= Sneijder. Bad= Van Bommel. Ugly= The way they approach football in general.

New Zealand = Rocky (1975)

Both involve a lot of heart and grit-but don’t expect them to win in the end.

Nigeria = Battlefield Earth (2000)

Despite the large resources to call on, they still both end up disappointing.

North Korea = Back To The Future Part II (1989)

Both try and mine inspiration from successes in the past, but fail to truly match up to them. Despite that, both have their good moments.

Paraguay = Quarantine (2008)

Yes, it’s quite good, but in the end both aren’t as good as something related to Spain (either the Spanish original film, or just Spain the football side). That good enough?

Portugal = How To Lose Friends and Alienate People (2008)

Despite both boasting talent in their line up, they play it too safe, taking few risks, and end up not pleasing anyone.

Serbia = Escape to Victory (1981)

Both share the same achievement- beating the Germans. Apart from that, they’re a bit rubbish.

Slovakia = Reservoir Dogs (1992)

A good debut (Dogs was Tarantino’s first real film), although it hints that the best could be yet to come…

Slovenia = Clerks (1994)

Despite being against the odds and having little expectation behind them, they performed admirably and were reasonably entertaining.

South Africa = Out of Africa (1985)

South Africa made sure that many wanted out of their stadiums and Africa as soon as possible, thanks to the endless drone of the vuvuzela…

South Korea = The Good, The Bad and The Weird (2008)

Both Korean, as well as usually going all out to entertain. Both can lose focus at key times though.

Spain = 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)

Despite all the technical excellence on show, both are hard to truly love. They are both things to respect, but could never be considered hugely entertaining.

Switzerland = Triangle (2009)

Well structured and competent, but likely to leave you frustrated and with a bit of a headache.

USA = Transformers (2007)

Despite all out attempts to impress you, they both fall up short of being anywhere near good enough to be true classics.

Uruguay = Citizen Kane (1941)

With their best days seemingly behind them, both are still capable of proving everyone wrong and can still entertain.

SPORT- World Cup Diary, Entry 2

2010-06-17T05:59:00.000-07:00

Total football? Feh. Behold neutral football, compliments of Switzerland yesterday. A 1-0 victory against favourites (but regular World Cup bottlers) Spain was something to be admired rather than enjoyed. The Swiss’ tactics and defence were pretty much flawless.

And as someone with Swiss family, I loved it. Seeing Spain pump ball after ball into the Swiss box was like seeing a child continuously run into a glass door. Yes, it was somewhat cruel and unfair, but also enjoyable and funny in the extreme.

But seeing the Spaniards frustrated resulted in making Group H very interesting indeed. First, Honduras look to be the deadwood of the group, and should realistically end up with nul points. So the game between Chile and Switzerland next week is key. If the Swiss perform another defensive shut-out against the lively Chileans, which is not out of the question, then they should top the group. Leaving Spain to need a result against Chile to even get to the last 16.

It took the World Cup nearly a week to warm up, but it finally looks to be clunking into life. Let’s hope it doesn’t flatline in dour frustration (for the viewer at least) again.

Oh and don't forget about my mini match reports on Twitter, for every game, right here-
http://twitter.com/EBTKS
Thank you.

SPORT- World Cup Diary, Entry 1

2010-06-12T09:04:00.000-07:00

(Above- My shrine to England, including Pigeons displaying the St George's flag with pride...)

England expects. But expects what exactly? Disappointment? I know that reaching the World Cup semis would be a wonderful achievement, but England winning the whole tournament is surely a step too far.
With the game against the Yankee Doodles coming up i’m limiting my expectations somewhat, but I think we can get at least a point, and all three is certainly not out of the question.
As for the games played so far, they’ve been mostly decent, but have hardly set the world alight. My thoughts on the teams seen so far…

Mexico- Slick but somewhat toothless.
South Africa- Big hearts but looked at times woefully outclassed.
France- Meandering and aimless, criminally wasting their realms of talent.
Uruguay- Unambitious but defensively sound.
South Korea- Energetic but could be ineffectual against the better teams.
Greece- So painfully uninspired it makes their Euro win in 2004 even more amazing!
Argentina- A great frontline glosses over their possible tactical naivety.
Nigeria- Frustrating at times to watch, but can occasionally spark into life.

So we haven’t seen so far, in my opinion, a team that can realistically win football’s ultimate golden prize. But hopefully that will all change tonight, eh? And I’m not talking about the US here…

SPORT- The World Cup!

2010-06-11T06:11:00.000-07:00

The World Cup. It can be divisive, with those who hate it and those who love it. I’m in the latter camp, and I’m not quite sure exactly why anyone wouldn’t enjoy some aspect of the ‘greatest show on earth.’

The fans, the colour, the chaos and of course, the football itself. There’s nothing quite like it, and seeing so many different people from across the globe manically cheering on their side gives me a buzz like nothing else.

Therefore I will be attempting a diary of the tournament, hopefully day by day, as well as a constant stream of insights on twitter-

http://twitter.com/EBTKS

So sit back and enjoy. Even if you’re a hater of the event just give a try. You might just find out what all the fuss is about…

RANDOM RANT- Currently Closed

2010-03-12T10:43:00.000-08:00

Just a quick word that to say that this blog is not dead, but is currently doing some downtime, due to my work on other projects.
Normal service will most likely be resumed in a couple of weeks. I know no-one out there actually cares, but I felt the urge to stop the haunting silence currently on this here blog. See you soon, although obviously, not too soon...

LARGE NOSE MAN- Chapter 7

2010-02-19T04:52:00.000-08:00

*What is this? A continuing story about a superhero I made up, Large Nose Man. I wrote much of this many years ago, so I have edited it to make (some) sense, although it’s just a bit of fun really. For previous tabs find them through the sections displayed to your right. One new chapter up every month*

Chapter 7

The police fell like cheap skittles as The Doctor’s henchmen tore through them with their machine guns.
Alex made a break for the fire escape. The Doctor caught him in the corner of his eye as he peppered the door with fire. Kent then tried to escape it by running to the far corner, amongst the many tall glass vats of bubbling green nuclear filth.
“You can’t escape coward…and especially not behind vats I can see through…” smirked the Doctor. He stared straight through the glass to meet Kent’s shaking eyes, full of fear.
“Come on, I can help you, I’ll help balance the books, secure your finances…anything…” Rambled Kent. He wasn’t particularly selling his worth, and he knew it.
“I’m afraid I’m my own man. I don’t need some shrivelled waste of life like you by my side. Goodbye, Mr…” The Doctor paused to think. “Wait, what’s your name again?”
“Kent, Alex” Kent replied.
“Ah, good, good. Goodbye, Mr Kent…”Said the doctor, as he raised his gun, and fired straight through the tank.
The bullet struck Kent square in the face as he tumbled backwards, the colour fading from his vision.
“Hahaha! Right in the schnozz!” Laughed The Doctor. The vat cracked and the green liquid ooze began to trickle and fizz across the floor. “Time to go, methinks…”
As The Doctor and his goons strolled from the room, Kent felt his face tingle, a burning sensation creeping all over him. The room blurred, and as he fell all went black…

RANDOM RANT-Death

2010-02-15T09:10:00.001-08:00

Afraid of death? Does the thought of your life being drained away by the reapers cold hand send you into bouts of tingling sweat?

Well man up, damn it. Or a least, that’s what I would be telling you, if I wasn’t horribly reminded of my cowardice just last night.

Snuggled up in bed, I heard a creak emerge from our hallway. All of a sudden, I was bombarded with terrifying thoughts.

A murderer had slipped in through the window, I reasoned, and I was merely moments from being hacked into human prosciutto through my tangle of bedsheets.

Rationality had clearly been thrown out of the window (it turned out to be someone going for a glass of water), but that didn’t stop me being half scared to death of er, death.

The most irking thing about all this though, was that I was always under the impression that my view of life was bleak. Like the values of a Goth, but without the wrist cutting or stupid hair.

But this non-existent threat puts it all in focus. I may think my life is worthless, but, illogically, I want to grasp onto it all the same.

It’s all to do with seeing what will happen next. Like a drama that only I find gripping and meaningful.

So even if my story ends up a crushingly dull life working in IT, where I suicidally smash my face into fleshy mush on a keyboard, it could be, to me, a poignant tragedy. Although most would see it as pure black comedy.

So anyway, death. It can be funny. But most of the time it’s terrifying. Even if you don’t want it to be. Despite what the Blue Oyster Cult say, It’s hard not to fear the reaper…

FILM REVIEW- Bright Star

2010-02-15T08:53:00.001-08:00

*Told in an melancholic 3-verse poem form, best enjoyed while lying in a field of wild flowers, staring wistfully across a lake while children frolic in the fields around you*

Hark! What is this? Another film from Jane Campion,

Creator of the achingly dull Piano, alas,

I am unsure my mind can take another two hours or rambling tosh, evermore.

Not so bad though, is this latest paramour,

A biopic of poet John Keats later years and the relationship he shared,

With a small ensemble Campion draws us in.

Ben Whishaw plays Keats as a distracted, odd talent,

All nervous darting eyes and hangdog expressions,

Hard to love but his slow, deliberate reading of his verse well played.

Abbie Cornish as his muse always torn,

She gains our attention but perhaps not our hearts,

As such a slushy over emotional bore she sometimes become.

Heaven thank then, Paul Schneider,

Whose barbed comments and hostility towards Abbie,

Helps give the film a needed jolt out of its continually romantic musings.

Campion frames the film with the necessary air of wistfulness,

Yet several scenes jar, with previous developments left unmentioned,

Creating an occasionally frustrating and torturous narrative.

Perhaps it is a deliberate flaw to represent loves hurdles,

Those who love somewhat preening self indulgent waffle will hold it to their hearts,

But those with cold hearts will no doubt be bored beyond rational thought, evermore.

FILM REVIEW- Bunny And The Bull

2010-02-06T05:36:00.001-08:00

Bunny and the Bull (15, 101 minutes)

Can it be as mighty as the Boosh?

Where?

The Lighthouse, Poole

Plot?

Stephen (Edward Hogg) lives by a strict, organized routine, and is afraid to leave his house. But when he starts looking through his possessions he thinks back to his eventful road trip with the rambunctious Bunny (Simon Faranaby).

Thoughts?

When watching an episode of cult BBC show the Mighty Boosh, you either watch two types of episode.

You are either whisked away to a surreal world rammed full of characters you could never begin to imagine, as well as being spoilt with an abundance of witty and quotable dialogue.

Or you are dragged through a misfiring sludge, full of characters that never hit their mark, and fumbling, misfiring dialogue.

This film debut from Boosh director Paul King, mixes a little bit of both, resulting in a film that is refreshingly different in tone, but also has a disappointing undercooked aftertaste.

So much has been discussed about the films visual style, but with good reason- it’s a constant barrage of hand crafted visual delightfulness.

There’s admirable low budget bravado in King’s use of confetti snow, cling film ice and crepe paper flames that really mark him out as a director to watch.

But as much as you’re won over by the films looks, the frequently slack writing contrives to pull the film down.

It’s hard to understand what some scenes are trying to achieve. It constantly flicks from simple laughs to meandering non-sequitirs that go nowhere. In the Boosh they worked to occasionally laugh out loud extremes- here they never get that far off the ground.

Frustratingly, the film does work on both an visual and script level, such as a scene involving Boosh star Julian Barratt as a dog loving tramp, which although not side-splitting, is an amusing side-step.

And there’s nothing fatally wrong with the acting on show either, which makes the flat dialogue even more depressing.

Hogg cuts a lovably pathetic misfit, and Farnaby manages to mix vulgarity and charm as the alcoholic Bunny, but both get little chance to develop their characters.

As a result you feel little emotional connection to them in the film’s final act, when you feel you should.

Treat this film like a foul sponge cake covered in a beautiful, glittering icing decoration- enjoy how it looks by all means, but scrape no further underneath- you’ll only be underwhelmed.

Verdict?

A shabbily written mess, saved to some degree by its wondrous lo-fi visuals. (2/5)

Haiku?

Wonderfully odd,

Looks like a hand made dream world,

Shame about the plot!

Go Further…

· King is rumoured to be directing the film adaptation of Paddington Bear. The background design for the betting shop scene in this shows he is the right man for the job- it has the same sketchy, ramshackle feel.

· Listen out for a voice cameo by Rich Fulcher, Boosh’s Bob Fossil, as Captain Crab near the beginning of the film.

·Hogg and Farnaby played Boosh’s Howard Moon and Vince Noir’s rivals in a series 3 episode of the show.

Second Opinion?

Little White Lies thought it a brilliant British gem…

http://www.littlewhitelies.co.uk/theatrical-reviews/bunny-and-the-bull/

Trailer?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0L9VlgJitmA

LARGE NOSE MAN- Chapter 6

2010-02-05T12:21:00.001-08:00

Chapter 6

Alex and Webb, partners in impending doom, worked their ways to the brink of nuclear waste vat number one. Implanted into the floor, The Doctor slammed his glove fist on the control panel, forcing it to yawn open.

“I thought that would have been far, far more difficult,” mused The Doctor, as the green sludge bubbled up from the vat. A fleck landed on Kent’s shoe, and watched it sizzle into the top of his shoe. He felt a tingle, but nothing more. Further exposure to this stuff would reduced you to a sludgy puddle.

“A grim way to go to be sure, but at least it’s something interesting to put on you obituaries...because let’s face it, you guys were going nowhere…” said The Doctor. “It’s time Webb. In you go.”

Webb’s face dropped. Soon it would drop gain, but straight off his face, into nothingness. The vat stirred, and the small pops of the churning pot could be bearly heard over Webb’s heavy, delayed breaths.

Webb stared into the burning emerald abyss. The Doctor nodded solemnly to the henchman poised behind him. A strong hand pushed into his back. Webb tumbled in, feet first. His legs sizzled away like fleshy sparklers.

“Someone will make you pay for this…you watch…” burbled Webb, as he dissolved upwards, his face melting away. The Doctor smirked.

“And who’s going to do that? It’s not going to be you, is it?” The Doctor swung round to Kent, a mocking expression painted on his face.

But then, as quick as a flash, a squad of officers stormed into the room, guns raised.

“Police! Freeze you scumbags! Your mini reign of terror is over, Doctor” cried the head of the group, named Officer Dodah.

“I don’t think so! Die pigs! Perforate them boys!” Cried the Doctor. As they threw themselves behind the pillars beside the vat, lighting up the room as they did so.

Kent threw himself behind another pillar. He eyed up the fire escape. He could make it. But he had to be fast.

FILM REVIEW- Sherlock Holmes

2010-02-01T09:26:00.001-08:00

Sherlock Holmes (12a, 128 minutes)

By Guest Reviewer, Sherlock Holmes himself…

This strange turn of events began when I was asked, unexpectedly, to come along to the Tivoli Theatre in Wimborne last Tuesday night. Instructions regarding this invitation came forth in the form of a letter.

“Come alone,” demanded the note. This inspired nothing but trepidation within me. No faithful Watson by my side? “It is to watch a dramatised versions of one of your exploits. Tivoli at 7.30.” There were no further elaborations or any mark indicating who had sent it forth.

I decided to venture out, as I could simply not turn down the request. I had not had work for several weeks and this could be the start of something big. Plus to turn down a celebrations of my escapades would be foolish indeed.

Once I arrived within the theatre, which was an unexpected bustle of noise and excitement, I kept a close eye to see if I was being watched. No-one seemed to be eyeing me with malicious intent so I pressed onwards to my seat.

The screen lit up and the adaptation began. The first thing which struck me was how impressively grungy and authentic the film looked. It sucked me into Victorian era London to the point of which I felt like I was there myself. Which I was at one point, but that is getting beside the point.

The part of myself was played by the American Robert Downey Jnr. This struck me as odd and unfitting at first, and was not helped by the sheer speed of which the man spoke, which on occasions made it hard to distinguish what he was uttering. Surely I too, am not guilty too of speaking at a speed so hard to understand?

I did eventually accept this shortcoming and became fond of the man however, undoubtedly helped by Jude Law, who played my trusted companion Watson. He oozed quiet confidence and managed to create an engaging and enjoyable relationship with Downey Jnr.

As for the villain of the piece, the infamous Lord Blackwood, was ably imitated by Mark Strong. A sardonic, brooding threat, he kept the film moving along when it may have faltered.

As, make no mistake; this was not one of my more complex cases. It seemed the auteur of this film, Guy Ritchie, had to fill much of the time setting the scene and introducing the characters and their subsequent relationships. The main case, one of intrigue and surprising revelations, was hardly allowed to breathe.

Overall the case was an enjoyable one, but I feel subsequent chapters can become even more packed with suspense and mystery. There were exciting moments, such as a confidently fight scene with a towering Frenchman, but for its two hours run time it lacks the expected number of stunning set pieces.

Indeed, the end of the film was geared towards engineering another chapter and I anticipate that will be all the better thanks to this instalments sacrifices.

Once I had left the theatre I had managed to deduce, quite elegantly, that the note was sent by none other than my dear companion, Watson.

The reasons were obvious. He simply wanted to get rid of me so that he could spend more time with his wife. Apparently my continual pestering irks him so.

The fact I could not see this beforehand surprises even myself. But despite this trickery I managed to get the last laugh- the film was an unexpected triumph, and gave a unique interpretation of my great legend. If you’ll pardon the arrogance that last statement engenders.

FILM REVIEW- Up In The Air

2010-02-01T09:24:00.001-08:00

Up In The Air (15, 109 minutes)

Is it a soaring success or a baggage leaden disaster?

Where?

Empire Cinema, Poole

Plot?

Ryan Bingham (Clooney) has a job where he flies around America firing employees for cowardly bosses. But the emergence of a new work partner and love interest threatens to alter his comfy existence.

Thoughts?

Does George Clooney ever act, and become a completely convincing fictional character? Or is his on screen persona simply an extension of himself?

It’s an interesting conundrum, but luckily one that never threatens to overshadow this latest effort from director Jason Reitman (Juno, Thank You For Smoking).

Mainly because the film suits Clooney to a tee. Smooth, confident with a hint of self depreciation, it boasts a charmingly slick veneer

The opening scenes, where Bingham’s set routine is demonstrated in a series of quick, effective series of shots, is a key example. It all clinks perfectly into place. It never feels forced, uneven or unsure.

This gives the film a certain clean cut charm, and for the most part you can sit back and enjoy the craft and assured technique Reitman has brought to the table.

One potential problem with any Hollywood product however, is that it can feel a little cold, with no link to the real world, and can end up a pretty yet unsatisfying mess as a result. This also is fortunately not an issue here.

Bingham may work for a company who deal in human misery and rejection, but he is still, somehow, a character easy to embrace.

This is demonstrated by perhaps one of Clooney’s most affecting acting ‘moments’ yet. Near the end, while Bingham is confronted with a difficult relationship decision, Clooney twists his face into one of sheer pain and rejection. Seeing this at first is strange, almost awkward, but then you realize it’s simply because you actually care about the character.

This, despite Clooney seemingly playing the same experienced, smug, suave womanizer he always inhabits. But he somehow manages to dig a little deeper under your skin this time, and it makes all the difference.

Anna Kendrick as Clooney’s co-worker, also provides invaluable support, offering a welcome innocence and underlying vulnerability next to Clooney’s unrelentingly world weary attitude.

An essential element in sustaining the film beyond a simple tale of a man escaping the real world is Vera Farmiga and the relationship her character has with Bingham. She has the calculating cool of Clooney but seems somehow more distant- yet she stills creates a warm and moving chemistry with Clooney, making the ending have even more impact.

But this gear change from Bingham’s cocooned lifestyle to him becoming embroiled in a relationship comes off as Reitman wanting the film to be both satire and romantic comedy, and he can’t quite pull it off.

Unlike Thank You for Smoking, which flailed and lost your interest in its final act, this does maintains your interest, but instead asks you to accept that it is almost two movies pasted together. It’s an acceptable compromise, but it does sadly hold it back from classic status.

Verdict?

A slick and almost clinical comedy that still strikes up a gentle charm. (3/5)

Haiku?

Clooney always smug,

But not too grating this time,

Worth seeing indeed!

Go Further…

· About an hour into the film the projector broke and we had to leave the cinema. Therefore the rest of the film was watched in a poor quality, stuttering online format. This may have resulted in an over-harsh judgement of the film as a whole

·Sam Elliot, the owner of the world’s coolest mustache, makes a small cameo. It is brilliant. The mustache, not the cameo. The cameo is merely ok compared to the magnificent hairy caterpillar which resides beneath Sam’s nose.

·Danny McBride is not convincing dramatic actor. His role in this film convinced me of this fact.

Second Opinion?

Empire loved it…

http://www.empireonline.com/reviews/reviewcomplete.asp?FID=136159

Trailer?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_m-Da8Tz4_E

LARGE NOSE MAN- Chapter 5

2010-01-22T11:11:00.000-08:00

Chapter five

“Hello Ladies and gentlemen…its time to die!” Declared The Doctor, with his monocle continuing to glint menacingly.

“You’re an madman, there’s no ladies here!” blurted out Mr Webb, as Kent jumped behind the desk.

“Well, you look like a lady at least, and that’s good enough for me! Come on Webb, it time for us to take a little trip to the nuclear reactor. You too, pussy behind the desk! ” Declared The Doctor, signalling his goons to grab them.

“The reactor is locked up at the moment, and I’m not sure…“ tailed off Webb.

“I think you’ll find a way of opening it. We all know this day has been a long time coming. I’m just surprised that you just didn’t hand your factory over sooner…” interrupted The Doctor.

“To you? I would rather die!” Cried Webb, as one of the Doctors goons grabbed him and gestured for him to walk towards the door.

“This can, of course, be arranged. Thanks to a little…nuclear accident.” Laughed The Doctor, as the other goon grabbed Alex.

“Get moving you cowards!” Demanded one of the goons, as he rammed the end of his shotgun into Alex’s ribs.

Just my luck, Alex thought, as they walked down the empty corridor. If I were late I wouldn’t be dying in a few minutes. Damn my punctuality.

“Here it is….” mumbled Mr Webb, sadly, as he fumbled with the door’s keys.

“Come on, come on” said the Doctor impatiently. “I have other evil plans for today you know…”

As Webb stalled with his keys he mumbled to Alex. “I hope you have some kind of plan kid. Because I’ve got nothing…”

Alex looked at him with regretful eyes. He too, had nothing.

“Enough mumbling you two” grunted one of those goons, plunging his shotgun into Webb’s side.

The metal door clinked.

“Finally! You should have used your nuclear plant to mutate yourself and give yourself a third hand. God knows your slow ass needs one Webb!” Joked The Doctor. “Not including the huge amount of time you’ve cost the reader, reading this dull chapter!”

The door creaked open. Alex and Webb were minutes from a rather ugly and unfair nuclear related death, unless they thought of something. Anything.

For the other chapters, visit here-

http://ebtksonline.blogspot.com/search/label/Large%20Nose%20Man

FILM REVIEW- A Serious Man

2010-01-19T11:39:00.000-08:00

A Serious Man (15-105 mins)

He’s not much of a man. Or very serious for that matter…

Where? Poole Lighthouse

Plot?

Larry Gopnik is a Jewish teacher trapped in 1967 suburbia, with a cheating wife, complaining children, bribing students, useless rabbis and a dysfunctional brother. Life keeps on piling on the problems, and he can’t cope…

Thoughts?

Burn after reading saw the Coens at their extravagant worst. Rambling, unfunny and ultimately dull, it was a million miles away from the eerie calm of No Country For Old Men, or the controlled chaos of the big Lebowski.

Although not a masterpiece, this is a return to form of sorts. It is a constantly downplayed and quiet film, but it is always engaging and has a drive Burn After Reading sorely lacked.

Most of this is down to unknown Michael Stuhlbarg, who imbues Larry with so much timid fragility, you will want to literally reach into the screen and shake him into taking some action.

His constant inability to deal with his problems makes him one of the most frustrating yet sympathetic characters yet seen on screen. You hope throughout that something, anything, will go in his favour.

But clearly that would ruin the joke, and the Coens aren’t playing by any rules. And that includes giving you a clear cut happy ending.

Black humour is the name of the game, and there are flashes of brilliance here that help lighten Larry’s seemingly endless slide into oblivion.

A rabbi’s tale of messages within a mans mouth is a confidently comedic sidestep, and some dream sequences which might be seen as out of place if they weren’t so powerfully memorable.

As for the films ending, god only knows. It is audacious and perplexing, and no doubt will leave many desperately searching for a concrete explanation.

There’s no easy answer here though. Is an ending not necessary like in the elder Rabbi’s tale, and therefore not needed? Is it religious payback for Larry’s morally questionable act at the films end? Is there any link between the end and the separated opening scene?

It’s all unknown, and some will find that as enthralling as others will find it deeply frustrating.

If you want your films to engender debate then this is perfect. But the debate will also be whether this is yet another decent but underwhelming Coen tale to add to the pile.

It is similar in many ways to Barton Fink, good and bad. They are both dark and brooding in tone, possess characters which you can’t predict, but ultimately fail to piece together their enjoyable moments into an all encompassing whole. Bitty, but enjoyable.

Overall, it is too coy, too unwilling to conform to audience expectations, to break the mainstream. A cult fan base surely awaits.

Verdict?

Another marmite flavoured slice of Coen pie. Easier to enjoy if you don't expect any easy answers. (3/5)

Go Further?

· Technically, this is the film the Coens filmed after No Country, but for some reason Burn After Reading was released after the Oscar winner.

· Note how there are no faces you recognise. Brave, and it adds immeasurably to the films understated tone.

· The film has an interesting soundtrack. You unfortunately don’t hear much Hendrix in films nowadays…

Haiku?

Coens hate the mainstream

This is a prime example

Refreshing indeed!

Second Opinion?

Mark Kermode thought it was refreshing to see such a film shy so far away from the mainstream...

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00nwvqy

(Halfway down the page, below Twilight)

Trailer?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tcUTv3LH3ss

FILM REVIEW- An Education

2010-01-15T12:18:00.001-08:00

An Education (12A, 100 mins)

A lesson in how to manufacture pure bland

Plot?

Jenny (Mulligan), is a young schoolgirl who has to decide between an easy, wealthy, married life, or working hard and achieving an Oxford University education.

Thoughts?

This is a hard review to put together. Not that this film is so bad that it’s hard to put into words. Or that it’s so good that it’s hard to do it justice.

No, it’s because this is so thoroughly ok, so perfectly middle of the road, so shockingly unremarkable it’s hard to be either too harsh, or too generous in assessing it.

Mulligan puts in a decent performance as a troubled teen. But even though she is a more sympathetic character than, say, Bella in Twilight: New Moon (she doesn’t mope all the time for one, and she *gasp* actually smiles from time to time), she can’t sustain the whole film.

Molina makes probably the biggest impression as a doting, muddled father, but this is only as the rest of the characters are so white washed and flat- his slightly lovable and occasionally amusing turn was bound to stand out. In any other film he would hardly register.

The film also rushes through it’s conclusion a bit, but not enough to be a genuine flaw. It’s almost as if the director got a bit bored with what was happening and decided to cut it short.

It does mean the film is surprisingly brief for a (supposedly) lyrical and affecting drama, at just over half an hour. Depending on who you are that could be a merciful positive though.

Another minor annoyance is that the ending does not really justify the previous hundred minutes. Jenny’s character arc is not in anyway satisfying, and the tough choice she has to make near the end was completely pointless. Without ruining it, she, effectively, loses nothing through the option she made. She’s just held back a little bit.

In summary then, if this film was a life support machine, it would be one that is just, just, faintly alive. There are tiny blips of plot developments, so that your interest is never flat lined, but never does it go for the jugular, and get you truly involved in what’s occurring onscreen.

Right, time for a word count…338? That’s easily enough. Phew. That was hard work.

Verdict?

The definition of two stars. (2/5)

Haiku?

So, so, Average

Please, please, something bizarre happen

No? Two stars for you!

Go Further (this is going to be difficult)…

· Ummm, Emma Thompson has a small role as a head teacher. She’s a bit of a jerk of a character. That’s it really. No film stealing cameo here.

· The opening credits are quite nice, styled a bit like vector graphics. Enjoy it. It doesn’t get more visually interesting than that.

· This is based on a memoir, so no wonder it feels so slight, like a mere leaf floating in an updraft.

Second Opinion?

Revered American critic Roger Ebert thinks this films slow, slight nature is intentional…

http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20091021/REVIEWS/910219994/1023

Trailer?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXJPX0XvsHs

RANDOM RANT- Why when reading some bloggers posts you get the distinct impression they don’t care about forming coherent sentences for you to easily digest, they only want to talk and talk until you just want to reach through the screen so you can shake some actual sense out of t-t-t-t-them

2010-01-13T08:40:00.001-08:00

I was reading Emily Bell’s column in the Media Guardian on Monday, and she had am interesting slant on newspapers and their inflexibility.

“Is this article already too long?” she enquired, but went on to explain that even if the answer is yes, she still has to “carry on writing until the space is full.”

Only problem was, her article itself demonstrated this issue better than she could have ever imagined. Her incisive opening paragraphs told you all you needed to know. The subsequent paragraphs were nothing but empty waffle. She might argue, but it is the sad truth. The article could have easily been half it’s length without surrendering anything of note.

Writing can be a superbly rewarding pastime. The fact you can carve out lyrical, emotive passages as well as rip-roaringly close to the knuckle arguments from mere words is a wonderful thing.

Newspapers’ slow death may mean the end of rigid structure and writer defined content, but I fear its replacement is a far bigger threat to truly great and worthwhile writing.

With blogs now commonplace, it is all too easy to find someone who rambles for paragraphs on end. On and on they go, with no clear structure, puking over you with their incessant and seemingly endless stream of consciousness.

Trying to remain enthusiastic while reading someone’s thoughts but seeing you are only a small fraction of the way through several hundreds of words can be a difficult task. In most cases it’s not worth wading through the verbal stodge.

So I ask; is it possible to have an easy halfway solution? Is there a middle ground that can be reached between newspapers rigid chains and the internet’s infinite word dump?

I fear not. The incentive to ramble on is far too tempting for some. Where else are they going to get their thoughts off their chests? But I won’t take any more of your time. I’ve gone on too long already.

FILM REVIEW- Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll

2010-01-12T14:21:00.001-08:00

Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll (15)

Gives you plenty of reasons to be cheerful*

Where?

At the Empire cinema at Tower Park

Plot?

The biopic of eccentric 70’s-80’s rocker Ian Dury, who had to fight through childhood of suffering polio, and then years later faced another struggle, having to balance both his band and family commitments.

Thoughts?

Opening with a flurry of quick cut editing alongside a dizzying cocktail of animation and live action, many viewers will be begging only a few minutes in for the the film to slowdown so they can catch up.

Luckily for those easily susceptible to migraines it does. But throughout this biopic there are enough flashes of the films manic opening to keep you engaged with ease.

This film is eager to show you some of Dury’s more bizarre mannerisms, but it is more than eager to go further under his skin to show you why he was a man who was always fighting back against difficult circumstances.

Not eager to offer you a straightforward, clear cut three act structure, the film ambitiously blends flashbacks from Dury’s troubled past with the highpoints of his career to impressive effect. It helps to create a rambunctious but surprisingly coherent tale.

But easily the most convincing element of this biopic is Ian Serkis’ as Dury himself. Stepping into such a maverick and unique character must have been a huge challenge, but Serkis pulls off a totally believable version of Dury on and off the music stage, but never slips into offering a one-note impersonation. His skill is making us see him as Dury, and not simply as an actor playing him, and for this he deserves all the inevitable Oscar speculation.

Ray Winstone (Dury’s soft spoken father), Naomie Harris (his loving but emotionally torn assistant) and Bill Milner (his confused son) all offer up solid support, but much like Dury himself, no-one out performs the main man.

The film doesn’t cover everything however, and those uninitiated in Dury lore may not be convinced, that he is worth his own film. At least a little knowledge of Dury’s exploits are a necessity here.

And for hardcore fans, there may not be enough of Dury’s actual music and gigs shown, with a surprising lack of coverage of the actual songs and records being made that made his legacy.

As well as this the film does feel a little stretched, and could have done with exorcising some seemingly superfluous scenes to cut down the near two hour running time.

But excess baggage (of the emotional kind) is the overiding impression you get from Dury, so this is quite a fitting flaw.

Despite being an occasionally frustrating and flawed persona, Dury was capable of entertaining in a way that was funny as well as moving. The same can be said of this admirable effort at documenting him.

Verdict?

A bumpy ride, but one worth taking thanks to Serkis’ great performance and Whitecross’ assured and unique direction. (3/5)

Go further…

· With this and Nowhere Boy, as well as Telstar from last year the British film industry seems on a roll making solid music biopics.

· Ian Serkis seems to have a future in voice-overs if his film career goes downhill- he can not only do Dury gravelly tones, but he has also lended his vocals for the voice of Gollum in Lord of the Rings.

Haiku Summary…

Eccentric story,

Made by people who love it,

Enjoyable stuff!

Second Opinions?

Times writer Kevin Maher thought Serkis was convincing, perhaps unerringly so, in this article-

http://entertainment.timesonline.co.uk/tol/arts_and_entertainment/film/article6942759.ece

Mark Kermode thinks Serkis’ performance goes beyond mere impersonation, in this video-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=spopVKc9vMk&NR=1

Trailer?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMKjx8ilLCY

*Other obvious taglines included- Hit Me With Your Decent Film Stick, Back to Blighty For Another Music Biopic, Just a Load of Cacka Boom?, Does This Have Delusions of Grandeur?, Will Make You Happy Hippy, and What a Waste (if the film was bad).

VIDEOGAME REVIEW- Mario and Luigi: Bowser’s Inside Story

2010-01-08T08:35:00.001-08:00

Here’s my view of Nintendo DS game Mario and Luigi-Bowser’s Inside Story, from the Geeks.co.uk website.

http://www.geeks.co.uk/11874-mario-and-luigi-bowser%e2%80%99s-inside-story

Enjoy!

LARGE NOSE MAN- Chapter 4

2010-01-08T08:31:00.001-08:00

Chapter Four

“Welcome to Nuclea Nuclear plant, where we can take any dream and mutate it horribly” said the Nuclea secretary disturbingly sweetly, as Alex Kent walked into reception. She smiled broadly at him. Alex didn’t smile back.

“Where’s the Coburn suite?” Alex asked demandingly, no time for this smiley, happy, jolly small talk.

“Do you have an appointment sir?” Asked the secretary, with a less broad smile than before, starting to suspect Alex was a bit of a moody twat, and in no way a potential partner.

“Yes, the names Alex Lane, and I’m here for a meeting which ‘moves the plot along’, apparently.” Informed Alex, matter of factly.

“Oh good, I know quite a few people have been waiting for you, the plot’s getting a little thin at the moment.” Said the secretary, while pondering if a tank could beat a nuclear powered gibbon in a fight.

“Eh? Thin plot?” Said Alex, quite clearly confused at all this third wall breaking.

“Oh…never mind” the secretary blustered. “You want the Coburn suite on floor 2, right next to the nuclear reactor room” added the secretary, deciding, in her mind, that the tank would probably win. Just.

With that, Alex took the elevator…walked down the hall…and knocked on the door.

“Come in Mr Lane” said a deep voice that permeated through the door.

“Hello, I’m here for the meeting” said Alex.

“Yes, hello, I’m Mr Webb, head of this company, and I just wanted you to sort a few papers out, my staff seem to be dropping like flies at the moment. A lot of mysterious murders, that type of thing. You don’t mind, do you?” Asked Mr Webb kindly.

“I’m not sure I can solve the problem, but I’ll try my best.” Said Alex, wishing he could of answered ‘yes I do mind, I don’t have time for you and your second rate character.’

“Thank you. I’ll just call in my secretary for some hot liquid drinks,” said Mr Webb, pressing the relevant button to contact the secretary. “That’s strange…the line’s gone dead…” said Mr Webb, suddenly concerned.

Suddenly, a knock on the door. Then a stronger knock. Then, the door flew off its hinges. Four men in camouflage suits and one in an all black suit burst in, as Alex and Mr Webb watched in amazement. The man in the immaculate black suit had a monocle on one eye, and a four inch red scar below the other. He stepped towards Alex and Mr Webb, and his monocle glinted menacingly. He smiled a smile that suggested nothing but danger. He spoke.

“Its time for the plot to start moving boys, the Doctors here!”

Part One-

http://ebtksonline.blogspot.com/2009/11/large-nose-man-chapter-one.html

Part Two-

http://ebtksonline.blogspot.com/2009/12/large-nose-man-chapter-two.html

Part Three-

http://ebtksonline.blogspot.com/2009/12/large-nose-man-chapter-three.html

FILM REVIEW- Commando (1985)

2010-01-07T04:15:00.001-08:00

For when you just can’t find enough words to write a full review about a film… you must employ the ancient Japanese wisdom of the haiku…

Arnold must fight back

As daughter taken from him

Those bad guys will pay

Those wondering what exactly a haiku is, see here-

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Haiku

If anyone has any others feel free to contribute.

FILM REVIEW- Where The Wild Things Are

2010-01-04T14:02:00.001-08:00

Where The Wild Things Are (PG)

A film so wild it won’t be caged by narrative…

Where? Empire Multiplex in Poole

Plot? Child Max (Records) loves to be wild and play outside, and one day he angers his other and runs away from home, and ends up on the island of the Wild Things, and ends up as their king. Will he manage to be worthy of such a title?

Thoughts?

Where Fantastic Mr Fox failed as a child friendly tale this does a little better.

First off, the dialogue is more child orientated friendly. There are no jokes about existentialism here. Many of the characters say and form ideas only a child would think up.

The Wild Things are part of this, as they are children in all but appearance.

There are no winks to the audience, no pop culture references or big explosions. This simply aims to give you the grit and rough edged thrill of childhood and for the most part it delivers.

But for many this will prove tiresome, and they will wait for a major plot point or just some kind of structure to come along and help them understand it all. For them it will be a painful experience.

This film lives and dies purely on its setting and mood, and director Spike Jonze has managed to pull it off to a impressive degree. Autumnal brown and oranges, the random switching of locations (going from lifeless desert to lively forest in the blink of an eye), as well as the frequently evocative cinematography mean that, at the very least, this is a world that can immerse a willing viewer.

The actual Wild Things, made through puppetry and not the easy route of cgi, are also well integrated, and you will find yourself accepting their bizarre appearance much faster than you would expect.

A mix of animal anatomy and human expressions they are incredibly odd but not once do you see them as puppets controlled off screen.

But despite all these tricky hurdles successfully leaped, along with your expectations set accordingly, the film still doesn’t quite lift off as you expect and want it to.

A lack of a satisfying character arc for Max is to be somehow expected, considering the films loose approach to narrative convention, but in the end the film is less about the characters in the film changing and developing, and more about what you personally think the film represents about childhood.

For some adults it may be a throwback to their younger days of play fights and building forts with garden chairs, and for younger patrons it may just be something to relate to, another world to escape within.

Then again, for some, it will just be a some furry animals jumping, fighting and moping around, within an unstructured rambling bore of a film. It will annoy and enthral with equal measure.

Verdict? A film that stretches a thin premise to breaking point, but possesses a convincing dreamlike world that has a physicality many children will love. (3/5)

Go Further?

· A book that is only 48 pages, made into a 101 minute film. The Gruffalo was only 32 pages and the BBC just managed 30 minutes for that…

· Quite the coincidence that actor Max Records plays the main character that is also named Max…

· I actually think the films’ trailer is more uplifting and enjoyable overall than the actual film…

Trailer?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2NOkQ4dYVaM

FILM REVIEW- Fantastic Mr Fox

2009-12-31T08:08:00.001-08:00

Fantastic Mr Fox (PG)

By Simon Reed

Does what it says on the tin.

Where- At my local Independent Cinema (Wimborne Tivoli)

Plot?

Mr F Fox is being hunted down by three local businessmen for stealing their produce, and must find ways of continually avoiding them.

Thoughts?

Wes Anderson doesn’t do mainstream. In fact it’s hard to find anything nearing cookie cutter in any of his films.

Obsessed with minor details alongside a penchant for laid back dialogue and characters, his attempt at a ‘kids’ film was always going to be interesting.

The result? A kids film that isn’t for kids. This is the films biggest strength and flaw.

Instead of dumbing down his dialogue for a younger audience, Anderson has simply made it come out of furry mouths in place of human ones.

Best described as intelligent and thoughtful, at worst over elaborate and smug, the discourse that floods over this film is an acquired taste indeed.

But for Wes devotees this is a dream come true. It may even win over people unsure of Anderson’s previous work, thanks to it considerably lighter tone. This is helped by the charmingly ramshackle stop motion. Yes, it’s even lighter than Tenenbaums, Zissou, Bottle Rocket or Darjeeling.

There’s none of the clumsy action of Zissou, uneven pace of Darjeeling or the slow story of Rocket. At only 90 minutes long this film is snappy, colourful, coherent and engaging.

This means that, ironically, in trying to make a kids film, Anderson has actually succeeded in making his most accessible adult film yet. But unfortunately kids will most likely be underwhelmed.

What isn’t underwhelming is the star studded voice cast. The mix of Clooney, Streep, Murray, Schwartzman, Gambon, Dafoe, (Owen) Wilson and, er, Jarvis Cocker could be overwhelming, but it ends up working quite well.

Anderson’s easygoing methods has seemingly spread across the cast, meaning no-one ends up dominating and unbalancing the film. Performances are subtle and satisfying.

A small exception is Wilem Dafoe as a murderous, dancing rat, but as he is involved in one of the best deaths scenes ever (seriously) you can let it slide.

Hopefully with this new experience under his belt Anderson can finally make a completely coherent and satisfying live action movie, without surrendering his unique style. But even if he doesn’t his films will still be some of the most intriguing, idiosyncratic and imaginative around.

Verdict?

As a childrens film it’s a failure, but for the older crowd it’s a understated winner. (4/5)

Go Further?

Owen Wilson has a small cameo as a Gym teacher, but where’s his brother and Wes mainstay Luke?
Try to go to a late night viewing with the least amount of kids present if possible…in my showing the youngsters grew a little restless with all the quirky dialogue, and became quite distracting.
This isn’t Anderson’s first crack at animation. Check out the underwater scene at the end of the Life Aquatic.

Trailer?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n2igjYFojUo

FILM REVIEW- Avatar

2009-12-25T11:33:00.001-08:00

Avatar (12A)

Where? In the cinema, on a 3D screen

3D’s future is in the balance…

Plot? Jake Sully (Worthington) is a crippled marine who is asked by humans to help conquer the alien race na’vi living on Pandora by disguising himself as one of them through and alternate body known as an avatar.

Review-

For film fanatics hype has weighed down on this movie for what feels likes eons. After all James Cameron’s incessant boasting about it being the first film shot completely in 3D and a new breakthrough in films boundaries, it could inevitably only disappoint.

But make no mistake, this wasn’t made for the cynics. It was always aimed at the largest audience possible, those who couldn’t care less for film snobs and their moaning, and just wanted a good night out. On that level it delivers. But it misses out on classic status.

One flaw is it’s far too bloated and overlong. At over two and a half hours long Cameron’s pared down, efficient story telling skills he so skilfully to utilised back in 1984 b-movie classic The Terminator are long gone.

Instead you get a over stuffed story, characters as shallow as a puddle and dialogue occasionally so wooden it splinters in your ears as you hear it.

But if one of the essentials to good Sci-fi is creating a convincing alternative world, Cameron has redeems many of these problems.

Pandora is one of the most convincing settings ever seen on film. With its lush green forests that fill the screen, crumbling mountains that inexplicably hang in mid-air and a selection of alien wildlife never before imagined this environment alone can envelope and immerses you like nothing else.

Unfortunately the heavy handed plot usually barges in and ruins the illusion. It’s regurgitations of bits of Dances with Wolves, Aliens and even Transformers aren’t entirely off-putting, but they certainly diminish some of the films more original touches, namely the idea of alternative body technology, avatars.

Made possible through body capture technology, the fact Sigourney Weaver in her blue faced Na’vi form looks real is as impressive as it is disturbing.

But one of the films most hyped innovations, the 3D, is nowhere near the leap forward hoped. 3D technology only really works when things are coming out of the screen at you, but Cameron has not gone down that route. Instead every scene is supposedly in 3D, but you rarely notice it. Not one moment or scene in the film is made significantly more exciting or involving by boasting a third dimension.

But even if the 3D was so stunning it blew your eyes away the same stodgy film would be underneath.

So in summary, this is a film where the special effects are its main selling point. If you like to see a films budget all up on the screen you will get your moneys worth.

But if you hoped that all the whizz-bang wizardry would be coupled with an equally stunning plot and multi-layered characters you’ll have to wait.

Verdict- Go in with expectations set accordingly and this will go down smoothly, but it’s hardly a memorable experience. (3/5)

Go further…

· The Terminator is still, arguably, Cameron’s most satisfying movie, and it’s technically only a B-movie. Go figure.

· Sam Worthington has now notched his dumb action movie tally to two, after Terminator Salvation earlier this year. It says a lot that despite being an android in that movie he is far more likable than he is here in Avatar.

· This lost to Alvin and the Chipmunks 2: The Squeakquel when the films first went head to head (last Wednesday) in the US, making $16 million to Alvin’s $20 million.

Trailer…

LARGE NOSE MAN- Chapter Three

2009-12-25T11:31:00.001-08:00

What is this? A continuing story about a superhero I made up, Large Nose Man. I wrote much of this many years ago, so I have edited it to make (some) sense, although it’s just a bit of fun really. One new chapter up every fortnight!

Chapter three

“In latest news, the head of the fish company Birds ear, Mr Alan Chovy, has been murdered in a back alley as he left his office. Police say they will investigate as soon as they get their donuts…” Announced the TV news anchor, who was trying not to be distracted by his colleagues behind the camera, as they continually gurned at him. He battled on.

“Why isn’t the news ever interesting?” mused viewer Alex Kent, as he reached for his remote, slouching back in his chair.

“It is said this is the work of the evil tyrant ‘The Doctor,’ who seems to being taking every company in the city to become ever more powerful and gain an iron grip on the the city, and then possibly, the world” continued the TV news announcer, who was secretly having an affair with the weathergirl. You could tell as she was the only one not gurning at him. “In other news the Donut Company has gone on strike, resulting in a strike from the poli-“

“What a load of hyperbole!” retorted Alex, as he switched the TV off. With that Alex slumped further back into his chair, and began to dream… “Hello again…” murmured the emerging evil apparition. (As seen in chapter one.) “I’m here to tell you that you are soon to face a grave dilemma…”

“Go away…I‘m in no mood for any of your pathetically un-scary dream threats.” Alex claimed defiantly.

“Ok fine, you ignorant twat, I’ll just watch you writhe in agony as you face a fate worth than death! Mwahahahaha!” Mwahaha’ed the evil apparition.

“There is no fate worse than death, you idiot, that’s impossible you fool.” Said Alex, wishing he had a baseball bat to beat the crap out of Mr Evil apparition.

“Ha! You’re wrong! Theirs is a worse fate, and that is…err…umm…Oh just shut up! I’m out of here! Enjoy your ridiculous fate!” Screamed the apparition.

After this seemingly pointless interlude, Alex woke up, at exactly 7am.

Part One-

http://ebtksonline.blogspot.com/2009/11/large-nose-man-chapter-one.html

Part Two-

http://ebtksonline.blogspot.com/2009/12/large-nose-man-chapter-two.html

RANDOM RANT- Christmas TV Schedule

2009-12-22T13:22:00.001-08:00

Mmmmm, Christmas TV guides. Feel the weight of the many pages. The happy smiling faces on the front. So many pages of meaningless waffle, as (if you’re me) you rapidly flick through to the film pages to see which version of Christmas Carol gets to be shown on the 24^th.

This year it’s the Patrick Stewart one. The blandest of the lot. Decent enough but it’s got no Muppets. Or Bill Murray. Or Alastair Sim. Ah well. All the good ones have been played the last few days of course, but the Christmas Eve slot is the one essential to filling you with the necessary level of festive spirit.

Alternatives beyond watching Captain Picard turned Victorian miser are in short supply. Where’s A Wonderful Life, for instance? The schedulers really missed a trick here.

Gremlins on ITV2 is an unconventional Christmas offering, but it’s probably the best you’re going to get. I’m not kidding.

But don’t worry, pipes up ITV3. We have Overboard on at 9! Overboard? Overboard?! How is a sun drenched romantic comedy with Kurt Russell (as cool as he is) and Goldie Hawn in any way or description a Christmas film?

I think there must be some kind of joke or dare going on here behind the scenes. It’s the only explanation. Need proof? Scarface on ITV4. I am lost for words.

All the schedulers must be have joined up and decided that this year, instead of instilling joy within all TV viewers with a good film; they would band together and laugh at them.

If I was in their position I would too. And install secret cameras in the hapless fool’s televisions so I could watch their exasperated faces as they struggle to come to terms with their meagre viewing options.

They would eventually give up on watching Kurt Russell’s mugging, and force themselves to interact with each other, building up a good old Christmas family togetherness. Maybe Patrick Stewarts lame Carol offering isn’t so worthless after all.

*Merry Christmas everyone!*

VIDEOGAME FEATURE- GameCentral Publish My Feature!

2009-12-19T06:29:00.001-08:00

I wake up. Turn on my computer. Start reading Gamecentral (was a teletext videogame ‘magazine’ of sorts, now exists solely online), and was shocked to see my name on this weekend’s reader feature.

I submitted it to them last week but I didn’t think they would actually use it. So i’m quite pleased. It’s similar to the piece I had on the Geeks.co.uk website, but is far more opinionated. See it here-

http://www.teletext.co.uk/gamecentral/features-reviews/991bc40d96ea24391de3b5f868f4a11f/Shelving+retail+games.aspx

And the Geeks.co.uk piece-

http://www.geeks.co.uk/10483-are-game-cartridges-on-the-way-out-are-downloads-the-future

RANDOM RANT- How A Poster Can Put You Off A Film…

2009-12-17T06:24:00.001-08:00

Above we have the poster for the sure-to-be-so-formulaic-it-will-make-you-puke romantic comedy ‘Did You Hear About The Morgans.’

There are bad posters and then there’s this. I know Photoshop is an essential tool in making film stars and the like seem less like ‘us,’ and more like superhuman deities, but this poster takes the proverbial biscuit.

I do sympathise though. The guy who had to touch up this particular poster had a hell of a job.

First off, Hugh Grant and Sarah Jessica Parker are long past their ‘best,’ in terms of both looks and their films.

To tackle this, the Photoshop guy/gal has decided to pretty much cover this up- in any way possible.

Look at Jessica Parker in the poster. Now look at her in the photo below. It seems as if, clearly sickened by Jessica-Horseface-Parker’s puke inducing skin tones, the photo shopper has simply decided to cut out the middle man, and simply slapped a layer of white gloss over Parker’s ugly mush.

She now looks more ghost than human. It says a lot that this new poltergeist look is better/less horrifying than her old/real look.

Hugh Grant looks a little better, but I feel this is only because of having Parker right below him. It’s like putting a bag of trash next to a puddle of sick.

So, in conclusion, this is a terrible poster. I can’t imagine anyone being convinced to go and see this film after being exposed to it. I’m almost tempted to hang around in my cinema all day just to see what types of creatures would voluntarily pay to watch it.

I think a better approach for the distributors of this film would of a been a bit of self depreciation. Instead of putting the ageing ‘stars’ actual faces on the poster, they should have put some cartoonish caricatures on it instead. At least that would show some balls, and I for one, would have applauded it.

For Grant, he should of been drawn with an oversized head sporting a exaggerated floppy fringe, alongside a speech bubble saying- “Yes, I'm playing the bloody annoying, over mannered English fop. Again.”

For Parker, she should have been made out as a half woman half horse mutation, getting stuck into a trough of tasty mule slop. They could even elongate her face so that- oh. Never mind.

FILM REVIEW- Twilight: New Moon

2009-12-16T08:29:00.001-08:00

Twilight: New Moon (12A)

By Simon Reed

Romance and werewolves and vampires, oh my!

Where?

At my local multiplex (Empire, Tower Park) cinema

Plot?

Bella (Kristen Stewart) struggles to get over losing Edward (Robert Pattinson), a vampire, and then develops a relationship with Jacob (Taylor Lautner), a werewolf. Standard stuff all in all.

Thoughts?

Nothing anyone aid against this film could stop it becoming the box office force it has become since it opened a few weeks ago. Critic proof does not cover it.

Even if it featured several depraved killings or incited religious outrage, the series legions of die hard fans, also known as twi-hards, would still flock to it.

But many of the un-coverted will find themselves wishing for something, anything, to happen at all in the films opening act, let alone something controversial.

To say the first half hour is one of the most tepid and uninspiring reel of film seen this year is not an exaggeration.

It may fit in with the book (which is somehow even more angst ridden) but it raises one of the main problem with the film-it gives you little chance to sympathise or care about the characters.

Bella is a simpering wimp for most of the film, and never seems to come close to even thinking of enjoying life.

“Yes, you’re heartbroken”, you think, and your only true love has abandoned you, leaving your life nothing but fruitless attempts to mend your shattered heart-but what makes you worth caring about?

The same goes for the ghost like Pattinson, as well as the nice but ultimately unsympathetic Lautner.

These dull needy characters may work as words on the page, where you can reshape them within your head as engaging protagonists, but on the big screen they are left floundering and stranded from the audience, failing to capture your attention or imagination.

Despite this somewhat crippling flaw the film recovers somewhat near the end, with a little action and the introductions of some intriguing new characters, such as the Volturi group of vampires headed by Michael Sheen.

But overall it to truly enjoy the whole tale, it is probably essential to have invested time in the books so you can truly care and understand these characters.

But looking in from outside the Twilight fan club this is hard work, and new bloods should steer clear. For the fans however, of which every last frame of this was tailored specifically for, this is manna from heaven.

Verdict- A film which takes ages to get going, and even then struggles to justify why it has so many raving obsessive fans. (2/5)

Go Further-

The two main characters, Edward and Bella, seem to me at least, to reference worst director of all time Ed Wood and his pal Bela Lugosi. Think about it. Edward sounds like Ed Wood spoken aloud, and Bella could be code for Bela Lugosi. Is this deliberate? Or does this idea makes me seem like a raving madman? I demand to know!

See Michael Sheen steal the whole film in his mere 10 minutes on screen as head vamp of the Volturi. Sheen’s films this year include The Damned United, Underworld 3 and Frost/Nixon. He can’t be accused of not mixing up his film roles…

The Trailer…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KYBF3HKzrmE

FILM FEATURE- Independent Cinema’s battle to survive

2009-12-14T09:42:00.001-08:00

With newer technology such as 3D I look at whether there is a place for old fashioned movie houses amongst chain and modern independent cinemas in Britain.

There’s nothing quite like going to the movies. A night out in front of the big screen can light up an otherwise dull week. But where do you go to see to get your film fix? Is it the shining new multiplex? Or the lovable old independent down the road that has seen better days, and needs your support?

That old cinema has had a lot to live with in the last 30 years. With the British film industry faltering in the 80’s, it had to look to the bright lights of Hollywood to survive. The quaint Ealing comedies of the 40’s and 50’s and peculiar oddities such as the Wicker man that were part of Britain’s cinematic heyday were over, to be painted over by Hollywood’s dominating pattern.

Chain cinemas came along, or perhaps came about, from this rise of Hollywood blockbusters, and had no problems gaining huge mainstream audiences. But the smaller independent cinemas were left shell shocked, many failing to adapt to this sudden shift in the cinema scene.

One such cinema that struggled was the Tivoli Theatre in Wimborne. Having to close in 1980 it looked set to be reduced to rubble for a new road scheme. Yet a dedicated local group, saved it in 1990, and took three years to restore its art deco features of chrome and ancient bakelite back to former glories.

Walking into the Tivoli now is like going through a time warp. The hard marble floors are buffed to a reflective shine. To buy your ticket there is a wooden booth in the corner, alongside a variety of sweets stocked in a cabinet, where you pay into a Tupperware pot. Entering the single screen you find the rigid seats uncomfortable, with a fabric design an upholstery shop has probably not stocked for twenty years. And during the intermission an usher trundles down the aisles selling pots of ice creams that you eat with the supplied wooden spoons.

(Above-The interior of the Wimborne Tivoli. Feel the retro magic…)

It’s an unexplainable mystery that a cinema can operate like this in the 21^st century, but it’s a magical mystery. Because for all of multiplexes comfort, choice of junk food and unrivalled technical excellence, they feel a little cold compared to places like the Tivoli.

So how does a place like this survive? Charlie North Lewis, the Director and Programmer at the Tivoli, says that he faces a struggle to divert from a particular formula of success.

“In our case you rely solely on your box office, and what your audience want. If a film is shown here it has to have had a tremendous amount of hype, or nobody will come. Basically, if it is set in Britain, a costume drama, or stars Judi Dench or Colin Firth it will be hugely successful here, at the very least. There are occasions where there is nothing out there for our specific audience, so then I have to take a risk and choose a film that has done well in the chain cinemas and hope it does well here.”

Having been to an evening screening of sweary gangster flick RocknRolla at the Tivoli, I can testify that it has a specific clientele, and younger people it certainly is not. With around 20 people scattered amongst the 500 seats that night it’s clear that places like the Tivoli do not possess as much freedom as other, more modern independents.

One such modern independent is the Quad in Derby. Opening just a year ago, it is as different from the Tivoli as you can possibly get. With a design aesthetic of bright and bold colours, sharp vibrant angles and shining glass it boasts the modernity of a chain, but retains an independent personality all of its own like the Tivoli.

(Above-The Derby Quad. Modern in the extreme.)

And Kathy Frain, the Quads Marketing Officer, says that modern Independents such as hers are in a stronger position than they have ever been before.

“In the past independents were seen to be a bit down at heel compared to the glossy new multiplexes, but due to more commercial success and financial input from organisations like the Film Council, some independents, like the Quad, are now comparable on every level in terms of customer comfort, and projection equipment.”

The key example of an independent gaining huge commercial success is, of course, the Picturehouse cinemas. Also known as City Screen, it formed in 1989 to challenge multiplexes dominance and was hugely successful, and has now 18 buildings across the country, becoming the leading independent cinema operator in Britain.

(Above-The Southampton Picturehouse)

Louise Scutts, the General Manager at the Southampton branch, thinks that even though the Picurehouse has become as widespread as a chain, they still maintain an independent cinema approach, and that cinemas such as them are needed to stop multiplexes dominating Britain.

“We have a very indie mentality, as we started off very small back in the 80’s. It’s been a policy that we are set up in university towns hence them being in Brighton and Southampton, Cambridge, Oxford those types of places. We tend to adapt for the audience because we have 18 screens in Southampton, banging away at mainstream, and it’s not worth taking them on, so we have a much more art house programme than other Picturehouses, while others have a much more mainstream one, but it is tailored. We’re all trying to do the same type of thing.”

“When multiplexes were first rearing their ugly heads in the early 80’s they were going ‘there will be more choice for the cinema goer, you’ll be able to see loads more films it’ll be much better…’ Rubbish. Absolute rubbish. They’ve just put the same film in as many screens as possible. So they actually limit the choice.”

Independents such as the Picturehouse and Quad may be able to roll with the punches alongside multiplexes, but cinemas such as the Tivoli do not have their modern set up and could end up being in trouble if their specific audience leaves them.

Susi Teall, the general manager of Poole’s Empire cinema however, is reluctant to say whether chain cinemas such as hers will ever kill off old fashioned independents, and that multiplexes face their own problems keeping audiences happy.

“Independents will possibly need funding from the arts council or the lottery but as long as that kind of assistance is there for them I see no reason why they can't survive. I know that the arts council is offering big grants toward digital for the independents and I think the only reason that any of them would fail is if they don't keep apace with the technology. I'm sure, for example, that the Tivoli in Wimborne would be a far more appropriate venue to screen live from the Royal Opera House than we would. But that's not to say that we won't give these events a go.”

“At the end of the day we are not a charity. We have massive utility costs, rents, staffing but we will always endeavour to show as wide a range of films as we can. As much as I personally hate most of the blockbuster films, they are what the majority want to see and if the demand if high we need to meet it. For example, over the past few days I have had to deal with so many complaints that the opening weekend shows of Twilight: New Moon are already sold out, meaning that I had to secure a third copy and open up another screen for sale. This will inevitably mean that we will lose something else but why show a film with only 20 people watching when I can keep 250 people happy?”

But talking to Anne Lonsdale, a Supervisor at the Southampton Cineworld, she thinks that chains are starting to exploring ways in which to make sure that audiences stay loyal to them, keeping them away from independents.

“We’ve got our Cineworld unlimited card which is £13.50 a month and it helps customers stay with us. As well as the unlimited cards, where they can watch as many films as they want, they also get concessions on items every now and again. I think it keeps them mainly loyal to the cinema.”

So with chains doing more and more to keep audiences coming to only them, including recent 3d technology, how will can older independent cinemas keep people coming through the door? Much of the audience for these old fashioned movie houses places such as the Tivoli seems to be an older crowd, getting a kick from the old décor, reliving the nostalgic film trips of their youth.

Dougal Dixon, part owner and projectionist at the Rex in Wareham, an older fashioned independent, that like the Tivoli, is run by a group of local volunteers, says that attracting a younger audience is their main problem.

“We accepted a long time that we had lost our teenage audience when tower park opened in Poole. I don’t think we can get them back, it is just the way the cinema is set up. We cannot get films on their release and that is what young people want now, the ‘I want it now generation. We do family films in the school holidays in the hope that young children can come along and experience our cinema and want to come back. Overall, I think we can survive. I have kept us going for 23 years so I must be doing something right!”

(Above-The Rex Cinema in Wareham)

Woody Harding, a member of a committee for the Purbeck Film Festival, the annual southern event which shows films from places such as town halls and cafes, thinks the only way independents survive is to pull off a tough balancing act.

“We do a survey every year as we are very conscious that our constituency is made up of just an older audience. Cinemas like the Tivoli and the Rex may need to show films that a chain cinema would just to try and get young people in. There may have to be a compromise, where they will have to put on a mix of commercial films and ones which are less mainstream.”

Older independents may have to get younger audiences to understand that they are not about technical perfection, but a character you can get nowhere else, and are worthy of their support. Their future may be uncertain but older independents have proved, as in the 80’s, they can survive against the odds.

fin

Go Further-

Tivoli Website

http://www.tivoliwimborne.co.uk/

Quad Website

http://www.derbyquad.co.uk/

Picturehouse Website

http://www.picturehouses.co.uk/

Empire Website

http://www.empirecinemas.co.uk/index.php?page=home

Cineworld Website

http://www.cineworld.co.uk/

Rex Website

http://www.therex.co.uk/

Purbeck Film Festival Website

http://www.purbeckfilm.org.uk/

My sincere thanks to all that spoke to me. I appreciate it and wish your cinemas the best.

RANDOM RANT- Taking Your Shot

2009-12-11T14:50:00.001-08:00

Ever stared deep into your soul?

It’s not nice, I wouldn’t recommend it as a regular activity. What I mean by this pre-amble of course, is what are your dreams, your ambitions, how will you make your mark?

For many, they are happy to not think about that type of thing. I would know, I work part time in a convenience store. Talking about taking your shot and being ‘someone’ to many of my co-workers usually ends with them either going quiet or grabbing the conversation and forcing it into another direction. Working in a store is no-ones idea of realising your dreams. Unless you’re a masochist.

I will admit that I have little chance of ‘making it big.’ So what do you do? Do you either bury your dreams and ambitions deep down, hoping you will be distracted by life’s sideshows to not dwell on them? Or do you work hard, and see if you get your shot in the end? But if you don’t that’s a lot of wasted time. Better put your money on the right number, otherwise there’s no way back. If you don’t risk enough, you may as well have not played.

So there lies the rub. But if you get where you want, will you enjoy it? Will all of that time and effort spent getting there be worth it?

Sometimes, I think lobotomy is the only answer…

*I’m aware that I said this blog wouldn’t be a deliberately depressing experience. So here’s a video of a kitten playing with some yarn to lighten up the gloom…*

LARGE NOSE MAN- Chapter Two

2009-12-11T14:19:00.001-08:00

What is this? A continuing story about a superhero I made up, Large Nose Man. I wrote much of this many years ago, so I have edited it to make (some) sense, although it’s just a bit of fun really. One new chapter up every fortnight!

Chapter Two-

“Wh-what was that?” stuttered Mr Alan Chovy, head of the fish industry, as he stared into the blank darkness of the alleyway, which he swore he saw something move (By the way, this chapter has nothing to do with Alex Kent in the previous chapter. But it is important. So read on!).

“It’s time you learned that the Doctor is the main power in this city…” said a man threateningly, as he emerged from the shadows, a pistol K67 in hand.

“You have to be kidding, the Doctor is no threat, and he’s just a madman who wants constant power…” Chovy said firmly, yet still staggered a little backwards from this new threat.

“He also has a team of deeply dedicated henchman, who wouldn’t hesitate in killing any man the moment the Doctor mentioned his name…” Interrupted the shadowy menace. “He won’t stop till he’s taken everything in this run down city, the fish company, the shoe shop, even the goddamn nuclear plant!”

“But I’m just a fish company owning person, I haven’t done anything wrong…” said Mr Alan Chovy, sensing that his predicament was getting somewhat more desperate, and was about to get shot.

“Maybe not, but you’re a very fishy person!” Joked the assassin. “Get it? Fishy!”

“Ohhharrggh, that’s awful! Please, kill me now, get it over with!” Begged Mr Alan Chovy.

“You could also say you’ve ‘haddock’, or that I’m going to ‘batter’ you silly!” Joked the assassin, rather cringingly enjoying his moment.

“You could say I need to get ‘trout’ of here, or that I’m in the wrong ‘plaice!’” Bounced back Mr Alan Chovy, with considerably better fish jokes. If you go down, you may as well go down laughing, he thought.

“No one makes any fish jokes, apart from me! Die! Die! Die!” Cried the (now rather annoyed) assassin.

“Bang! Bang! Bang!” Said the gun.

“Ow! Ouch! Ouchio!” screamed Mr Alan Chovy, in considerable pain at this point. “Make sure you tell the Doctor that someone will stop this…. a true hero…will save us…cough…oooohhhhh” he spluttered, as he had just been shot several times you see. I’m sure you know, just making sure.

“Heh heh heh…who’s it going to be? It’s certainly not going to be you….” Laughed the assassin, as he aimed his gun at Chovy’s temple.

And with that, the pistol K67 spat out its last bullet for the night…

By the way, I’m really sorry for all those fish jokes. This chapter just wasn’t long enough without them…

First Chapter can be found here-

http://ebtksonline.blogspot.com/2009/11/large-nose-man-chapter-one.html

FILM REVIEW- Me and Orson Welles

2009-12-09T08:31:00.001-08:00

Me and Orson Welles (12A)

Or should that just be ‘Orson Welles?’

Where? At Empire, Tower Park

Plot?

A look through young actor Richard (Efron) perspective of working with the great Orson Welles on his 1937 stage adaptation of Julius Caesar.

Thoughts?

Mentioning Orson Welles in a conversation you get either a reaction of admiration or a squinty eyed haze of confusion. Depending on who you’re talking to.

The younger crowd for example, may have heard of Welles masterpiece, Citizen Kane, but there’s next to no chance they’ve actually seen it.

So getting Zac Efron, High School Musical’s clean faced star and instigator of swooning young girls everywhere, to star in a film about Welles is odd indeed.

He may be pushed up on centre stage here, and get the most screen time, but Efron is well and truly upstaged by Christain McKay as Welles.

Booming, manic and with eyes that twinkle with a near terrifying enthusiasm and drive McKay keeps your interest through the films quiet periods.

And with slack storytelling these moments are numerous, with the film very much one you need to relax into like a hot bath, director Linkater effortlessly creating a period setting much like he did in Dazed and Confused, his ode to the 70’s.

Despite characters and the performances pushing the film along Efron is a little weak in striking up convincing chemistry with Claire Danes, and does little to persuade you he can really do true dramatic acting yet.

But being in this film shows he is willing to push himself, and the next few films he takes on should be watched with interest.

The other supporting players all work hard to make an impression, with James Tupper savouring his role of a slimy but somehow lovable womaniser alongside Leo Bill as Norman Lloyd, with both managing to strike up some of the films best lines.

The fact this took a year to find a distributor is saddening. It might not win over huge audiences but it will fascinate a lucky few. And if it persuades some of those young bloods to explore Welles back catalogue then this is a film that should be applauded.

Verdict? Linkater has made an unconventional story work against the odds through strong performances and a subtle script. (4/5)

The trailer…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bTofKi1XUJM

VIDEOGAME FEATURE- Feature on Old Computer Games Event

2009-12-06T09:30:00.001-08:00

Here is a 3 minute video I knocked up on the Old Computer Games Event in Christchurch a few weeks ago.

Mike Molesworth was kind enough to give me an interview, and talked to me about the event and gaming as part of the entertainment industry. Thanks Mike!

A summary of the event can be found on the Bournemouth Echo website, see here-http://events.bournemouthecho.co.uk/events/disp.asp?i=312805

FILM REVIEW- A Christmas Carol (2009)

2009-12-05T03:57:00.001-08:00

A Christmas Carol (PG)

Where- In the cinema

Bah Humdrum?

Plot-

Scrooge (Carrey) is misanthropic banker in Victorian times, until he is visited by three spirits (Christmases Past, Present and Yet to come) on Christmas night to urge him to change his ways.

Review-

This classic Charles Dickens tale has been adapted for the big screen so many times it’s becoming a test to tell versions apart.

So the big question is what this latest effort from Robert Zemeckis does to stand out from the crowd.

The answer is, from a technical point of view, a lot. 3D, Body motion capture and Jim Carrey are all new. But in terms of memorable performances, witty scriptwriting and real heart it is severely lacking.

It’s hard to mess up a story this timeless completely, but this version is nowhere near as good as it should be.

One of the main problems is the whole body capture technique (real actors play out scenes are then made into cgi characters- see Beowulf or Polar Express). It lacks either the physicality of the best hand drawn toons, or the gritty realism of live action. It’s an interesting animation technique, but it’s stuck between two worlds and is not one thing or the other.

The films tone is also uncertain. Jumping from child-unfriendly shocks to pratfall slapstick in the blink of an eye it is the definition of schizophrenic.

Having a ghost’s jaw coming loose making him unable to talk sounds amusing but the film only treats it as a joke long after it has become disturbing. Also having one of the spirits laughing as he slowly decomposes until he is nothing but bones not only sends a shiver down your spine, but confuses you no end.

Who exactly is this film aimed at? Rated PG it seems to be family orientated but scenes such as the above seem to go beyond simple haunted house scares and into disturbing territory similar to Cronenberg.

If playing for an older audience the films inconsistent humour and poor character design may frustrate. The ghost of Christmas past is strange but ultimately dull, and characters such as Fezziwig and the ghost of Christmas present are simple photocopies from previous adaptations, adding little that is new.

But if you’re looking for an easy Christmas night out at the movies, this could satisfy. But if you want a version of Carol that does things a little differently and manages to pull it off, check out either the Muppets Christmas Carol or Scrooged.

Verdict- A decent enough version of a story that has been told one time too many… (2/5)

The trailer-

VIDEOGAME FEATURE- The Past, Present and Future of Downloadable Games…

2009-11-30T10:33:00.001-08:00

I have managed to get an article on downloadable gaming published on the geeks.co.uk website. See it here-

http://www.geeks.co.uk/10483-are-game-cartridges-on-the-way-out-are-downloads-the-future

MUSIC FEATURE- Dual Review of The Blues Band

2009-11-30T10:26:00.001-08:00

*I went with my dad to see the Blues Band on Thursday, to see the blues legends (or so I was told), Paul Jones, Dave Kelly, Rod Townsend, Gary Fletcher & Tom McGuinness.

I thought I would post a review as well as what my far more informed blues fan dad made of it…*

Me-

Having never heard really exposed myself for blues music before I wasn’t sure whether this night would either make my ears wave the white flag, or an unexpected lullaby joy.

Luckily it wasn’t two hours of aural pain, but it wasn’t bliss either.

The band, with their hair fading were clearly experienced at this venue (it was their 30^th year together after all), and had no problem in winning over the older crowd. Nobody jumped out of their seats and started grooving but neither was there any animosity, creating a relaxed atmosphere to the whole night.

All of the band played their instruments almost with their eyes shut, and there wasn’t a bum note or an out of key lyric to be found.

I’m not sure that the blues is my type of music though. It tries hard with a lot of noise from all involved but not one song stuck in the memory from the whole night. Once finished the songs go out like a light from your mind, tricking you into thinking whether you heard anything in the first place.

Overall it was fun, but perhaps a more livelier atmosphere and band may have really got my musical heart pumping.

Papa-

Well, what a treat for me, ticket brought for me as a birthday present by my better half, so the tickets have been in a safe place for over 2 months.

So accompanied by wife and son, off we go to our local Venue, the marvellous Tivoli Theatre in Wimborne, good seats too, only 3 rows from the front of stage.

This gig is part of the band’s 30 year celebration tour and by the quality of their performance they definitely seem to be enjoying themselves still.

There was no support band however, but this only gives these talented and accomplished musicians the opportunity to show the mastery of the Blues and R& B genre that they possess, during a near 2 hour set.

Being a guitarist myself (I’m not too bad..?) listening and watching the technique of Dave Kelly’s slide guitar work on his maroon Gibson S.G was a delight.

Paul Jones vocals and rapport with the audience made everyone feel part of something special, ably supported by Tom McGuiness’ excellent guitar work on acoustic (especially on “That’s aright”) and Gary Fletchers bass driving the band along. The band’s drummer was replaced for the night, as Rob Townsend had broken his collar bone, slipping on some leaves apparently.

So all in all, an enjoyable night out, go see this band if they are appearing locally to you, I for one will be getting tickets when they are down here again, recommended.

More details on the band can be found here-

http://www.scarboroughad.com/9/events/2009-11-07/159-The-Blues-Band-30th-Anniversary-Tour.html

FILM REVIEW- Ed Wood (1994)

2009-11-27T06:37:00.003-08:00

Ed Wood (15)

Where- On DVD.

The best film ever made about the worst films ever made…

Plot- The biopic of Ed Wood, a film director from the 50’s who is revered (reviled?) for making some of the most technically inept films ever committed to film. Making them with his band of unusual friends he also managed to rope in ageing horror star Bela Lugosi at the end of his career.

Review- There has, in many people’s minds, the thought that Tim Burton has not yet made the masterpiece he has always threatened.

But in 1994 he made that film. Ed Wood may have won two Oscars, for best supporting actor as well as best make up, but it flailed at the box office resulting in a slow slide into cult status.

Likely shunned by mainstream audiences for being in black and white, it also didn’t do itself any favours for being about a nobody, a story no-one should care about.

Many derided it for looking at a man that had little talent, and was a tiresome exercise in pointlessness.

That is missing the point. This film is a tribute to all those many people that have tried but failed to grab success, a tribute to the underdog.

It starts slow and may under whelm on first viewing, but it is a film that rewards continued visits. You find yourself watching again and again just to noticing another small detail or joke you missed last time round, as well as just to spend time with the characters.

And what characters. From Johnny Depp’s (Wood) infectious optimism, Jeffrey Jones slimy but suave Criswell and Bill Murray’s effeminate turn as Bunny Beckbridge these are people with stories both fascinating and unbelievable.

Martin Landau steals the film as Bela Lugosi however, portraying the drug addled 30’s horror icon with both sensitivity and humour. You almost want to see a whole film dedicated to him, and his relationship with Wood is the films true centre.

Sadly, there are, flaws, even though they fail to detract from the films magic. Sarah Jessica Parker is an irking annoyance whenever on screen, and even if this was deliberate she still seems to be sleepwalking through her role. There are also numerous problems with calling this a biopic, with much of it not so much altering events but inventing new ones altogether.

But this is wise decision from Burton. Wood was, in reality, a severe alcoholic with wild mood swings. If no-one wanted to see the film in its current incarnation, who would go to see that version?

Ending on a high, instead of the low it easily could have, Burton has turned a story that should by all rights be tragic and depressing, and reshaped it into tale of celebration and hope.

Verdict- A beautiful piece of filmmaking that is heart-warming, at times tragic, yet ultimately uplifting. (5/5)

The films trailer…

LARGE NOSE MAN- Chapter One

2009-11-27T06:37:00.001-08:00

Chapter one

A deafening crescendo of noise hit him like a well-oiled hitting machine, throwing him backwards, onto his, er, back.

“What the hell was that?” he asked, screamingly, to the apparition that appeared before him.

“I am all your worst nightmares rolled into one unspeakably horrific form!” said the unspeakably horrific form, with a tone of eerie calm.

“Surely not my worst fear…clichés?” he said, his voice shaking.

“Yes!” shrieked the horrific form. “Listen to my clichés and tremble! Such as, ‘It’s a game of two halves,’ ‘if you like the original, watch this!,’ and so on!

“Noooooo! It’s to-to-to much!” cried the man, as he started to fall, fall, fall…back into consciousness.

“What…oh, it was only a dream” sighed Alex Kent, a man who was such a loser he has dreams about horrific forms saying clichés.

“Hello, it’s KBBL, the radio station which convieniently introduces itself everytime you turn on your radio!” Blared the radio. “Its 8:33, and you’re probably late for your job!”

“8:33!” said Alex in a panic. “I am late!” And with that, Alex rushed to work in a panic.

“Goddamn it Kent! You’re at least 21.0987 seconds late!” Complained Mr A Hole, the boss of Chartered accountants Incorporated, as he glanced down at his mahogany watch.

“I’m sorry Mr A Hole…” mumbled Alex, with his un-prophetic dream still tumbling around in his head.

“Seeing as you’re so unpunctual, here’s a new assignment for you at the nuclear plant, tomorrow night.” Said Mr A Hole, with a biting sarcasm that could rip you clean in two.

“Sigh, very well, what is it about?” Asked Alex.

“How the hell should I know?” asked Mr A Hole. “It’s only a excuse for the author to move the plot forwards!”

With that, Alex prepared for his very important assignment, and not, as some believe, a bad excuse to get the plot moving...

FILM REVIEW- Triangle (2009)

2009-11-26T04:27:00.001-08:00

Triangle (2009)

By Simon Reed

Where? In the cinema

Review-

While watching you’ll feel you have seen several parts of this film before, you’ve just got to get your head around it.

And being able to understand this effort from the maker of Severance and Creep is no easy task.

Involving a group of friends going out on a boat expedition, their vessel capsizes in a storm, forcing them to board a large ocean liner that comes out of nowhere.

Seemingly deserted the heroine, Jess (Melissa George), still swears she catches glimpses of people onboard. Or does she?

Turns out that, because of an unexplained time loop the ships crew turns out to be past or even future versions of the group, with Jess the one trying to stop them being caught in the loop.

Aided by some effective, but sparingly used, special effects, Jess finds herself realising that she has done the same actions to try and stop the confusion over and over.

Despite this seemingly repetitive nature there is a good pace of narrative progression, with overlaps in the narrative sparingly used so it doesn’t feel as if the director is cutting corners.

Ever present is a feeling that there will be no easy clean cut ending which does not make this film an easy watch. Hard to love, or even to truly enjoy, instead of affection you feel admiration for the difficulties the director, Christopher Smith, must have faced when stitching the films ideas together, or the unwillingness of the plot to ever resort to crowd-pleasing horror clichés.

Although an idea pleasantly unique the film’s smugness in its continually unravelling plot that is always one step ahead of the viewer is similar to Christopher Nolan’s backwards played film Memento. As with that effort while watching you’ll feel you have seen several parts of this film before, you’ve just got to get your head around it.

Rating- A highly intelligent thriller that is a well put together and demands a second viewing, although is hardly anyone's idea of a good time. (3/5)

*Note- This review was published in the Christmas edition of my University's magazine, 'Nerve.' They took out the last sentence though, so the whole deliberate repeating sentence joke didn't get in. Which was a bit disappointing...*

NEWS- New Store In West Moors

2009-11-25T06:38:00.001-08:00

New store premieres in West Moors

By Simon Reed

A new Premier convenience store is fighting for customers against three other competitors in West Moors.

The branch, one of over 2,400 in the United Kingdom, on Farm Road first welcomed customers through their doors three weeks today on the 6^th of November.

It has opened despite two stores round the corner on Station Road, the Southern Co-operative and Tesco Express, as well as Martins on Pinehurst Road at the other end of the village.

But Ruban Logan, manager of the Premier store, said that their prices on key items will work in their favour.

“We can beat their price, we have more products cheaper. Our four pint bottles of milk, we’re selling for £1.09, they’re selling for about £1.49.”

He added that they needed patience to see whether they can attract enough customers, and said: “We’re waiting to put the sign in, as once as they put the sign up people will know we’re here. We’ll see how it goes, everything takes time.”

Tom Gilson, a Sales Assistant at Martins, thinks that four stores could happily co-exist in West Moors but their business could suffer slightly.

“I’d say they can try. I mean the co-op and the Tesco’s cope well without any real worries. They’re doing the same thing as us delivering papers so we would say it would have an effect on us.”

Both Tesco Express and the Southern Co-operative stores in West Moors were not willing to comment on the issue.

(Above- The new Premier store on Farm Road)

*This piece was meant to be published in The Stour and Avon Magazine this week, but to quote their editor when I asked them to put it in-

“No sorry Simon. It's something that needs to be advertised”

It’s a shame because I think it’s a relevant issue for the village. C’est la vie.*

INTERVIEW-David Yeates talks about The Tennis Masters

2009-11-24T15:24:00.001-08:00

*My friend, David Yeates, was lucky enough to go to the O2 Tennis Masters ATP World Tour Finals in London to see Swede Robin Soderling (ranked 9 in the world) complete a shock win over Spaniard Rafael Nadal (ranked 2 in the world).

The BBC match report can be found here- http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/tennis/8375032.stm

David talks to me (with my questions in bold) about the match, the tournament compared to Wimbledon and dressing up as the Queen…*

So David did you enjoy the o2 masters event?

Yes.

Why did you enjoy it?

Because it was fun.

Ok, why was it fun?

Because we got to see some good quality tennis and it was a good atmosphere and it was a bit more atmospheric than normal tennis because of the loud noises and lights.

You think Wimbledon can ever be like this?

No, because Wimbledon is more for classical tennis, it’s very traditional.

Do you think Wimbledon is for the snobs, and that this grand slam event is more for the urchins such as yourself?

No, because I like Wimbledon.

Have you ever been to Wimbledon?

I have been.

Have you ever been kicked out of the entrance after they see you?

Once, but then I said I was the queen and they’re pretty stupid and they believed me.

Did you use some sort of disguise?

Yes, I dressed up as the queen.

Was it full on like-

(Interrupts) Yes I had a crown.

Anything else?

No…

Just a crown?

Yeah.

So you’re saying you look a bit like a woman then?

No, but the guy was blind, so I just put on a feminine voice (puts on a feminine voice) ‘Oh hello, I’m the queen.’ (Voice goes back to normal) And it was fine.

A blind bodyguard?!?

Yeah.

At Wimbledon?

Yeah.

And this was to the VIP section?

Yeah, I was in the royal box.

Moving on, as we’re going a bit off topic, tell me about the game, Soderling versus Nadal.

Well, Soderling won in straight sets.

Did he deserve to?

Yes he did, his game was a lot more consistent than Nadal. You could see Nadal had moments of genius, but Soderling had a very strong forehand and a very strong serve and he stood his ground really.

Was it flawed genius from Nadal?

I think Nadal has been lacking in confidence since his injury and he hasn’t got into full stride so and anyone that hits him hard and has a real hard consistent go at him is going to have a good chance of winning,

Would you say ‘rocking Robin Soderling’ is a good nickname?

No. (Laughs)

Why not?

It’s a bit lame.

Why?

Because no-one uses the word rocking much anymore. Maybe ‘slamming Robin Soderling’ something like that, because it’s got alliteration.

It sounds a bit weird, like he’s raping someone.

Why?

The slamming part.

It sounds more like someones raping him to be honest.

So overall you enjoyed your experience?

Yes, it was a good day out.

Would you recommend it to most people?

I would actually, yes.

Who wouldn’t you recommend it to?

People I don’t like.

Such as?

You.

Thanks for your time.

(Above- A happy Rocking Robin Soderling)

AFCB- vs Dagenham and Redbridge (24/11/09)

2009-11-24T15:15:00.001-08:00

The teams coming out for kick off. Bournemouth are in red, Dagenham in Yellow.

Dagenham copying Bournemouth’s highly successful group huddle just before the second half.

The Dagenham goalkeeper in the second half, who generated a lot of banter with the home fans.

A blurred picture of Bournemouth’s troops walking off the pitch at the end. In a game dominated by Dagenham the cherries were lucky to escape with a point.

INTERVIEW- David Jenkins of Gamecentral

2009-11-24T08:26:00.001-08:00

*David Jenkins was kind enough to personally reply to my question of whether downloadable games will take over from physical media eventually. The full feature on downloadable games will be up within the next week…*

Q- So with the PSP Go a seeming failure what do you think a download only console will not rise it's head again for quite a while? And what do you think of the chances of a download only future in general?

A- “The real move to download-only consoles will likely happen more organically than with the PSPgo, when cloud computing becomes a reality. However, new and current consoles will increasingly offer full games to download, as well as relying on retail-bought discs. No matter the precise details, publishers are so frustrated by piracy and second-hand game sales that download-only consoles are now an inevitability.This will leave little place for retailers, which is exactly the way publishers would like it. Peripherals, and perhaps special editions, will still be available in store although even here publishers are likely to want to cut out retailers by offering their own mail delivery service.

Although it offers some additional convenience for customers, in terms of physical storage space and instant availability, the real benefits of digital downloads are all in the publisher's favour. Customers will now essentially be licensing the games for use for an indefinite period, rather than owning a physical product which they can use in other devices or sell-on. Competition will also be reduced in terms of pricing, as can already be seen on the Xbox download service. As the market matures these aspects may change, but in general digital downloads give a worrying amount of control to publishers.”

You can visit Gamecentral on your tv through teletext or online here-

http://www.teletext.co.uk/gamecentral/default.aspx

(Above- Enjoy this before teletext closes forever in January next year. GC will be continuing solely online from that point)

FILM REVIEW- Waltz With Bashir

2009-11-23T13:41:00.001-08:00

Waltz With Bashir

By Simon Reed

Where? On Blu-ray

Film review-

This was always going to be a tough sell. A subtitled foreign language animation, with sex and violence, as well as a structure that is part memoir, part documentary. That’s also not mentioning that it’s about the complicated civil war in Lebanon that happened over twenty years ago. Sounds like a sure-fire mainstream hit, right?

Predictably, it didn’t get much attention from cinemas, but it now has the chance to get the attention it deserves on DVD, even if it will likely be on shop shelves for a short time.

The story follows Ari Folman (who is also the director and writer of the movie) and his attempts to remember his involvement in the conflict by meeting his old war comrades. These meetings result in flashbacks, ranging from tense gunfights, confessions of sexual frustration, to a news reporter with a death wish.

Unfortunately, the reasons behind the conflict are never truly explored, and parts of the film feel unnecessary and pointless making the plot feel like it has been cobbled together, resulting in some dull stretches. But the moments that do work, like the opening credits sequence involving a pack of crazed dogs, or the final, fascinating story of an unnoticed massacre linger in your memory long after the credits have rolled.

Yoni Goodman, the man behind the strange animation style in the film (it looks somewhat similar to the 2006’s A Scanner Darkly) has said the process, that took over four years, was so difficult it may never be used again. Waltz With Bashir, a film that is so different and so refreshing, will likely also never be seen again, so I recommend that you see it before it disappears from the shelves.

(3/5)

Extras review-

An interesting interview with Folman and the trailer. The Blu-ray has this as well as a one hour making of, and deleted scenes. Could do with a commentary but the disc offers enough information for fans.

(3/5)

Overall- (3/5)

VIDEOGAME REVIEW- GTA Chinatown Wars (DS)

2009-11-23T13:35:00.001-08:00

*A bit old, but still gold…enjoy!*

Grand Theft Auto – Chinatown Wars (Nintendo DS)

By Simon Reed

Personally, I did not enjoy GTA on the PS2, PSP and PS3 as much as I wanted to, as everything felt like too much of a chore. Phoning people, taking virtual women out for dinner, watching televisions in the actual game…I just wanted to, you know, play a videogame! Not participate in a ‘Let’s kill and cause chaos’ type expansion version of the Sims (as cool as that sounds).

So that’s why Chinatown Wars is a breath of such sweet, fresh, air. There’s no forced side missions, no pointless characters, just good old destruction and killing. And after years of over complication of the formula, that’s something to be celebrated wildly.

The story follows Huang, who, on his way to Liberty City, is passing on a symbolic sword to his Uncle after his father, a Triad boss, was mysteriously killed. But soon enough there is an ambush, the sword is stolen, and Huang starts to work with several gangsters and crazies in order to get it back.

Scripting wise, the game is not as razor sharp and witty as previous iterations, but the plot is suitably complex with many characters truly vile and dislikable. And I mean that in the best way.

Missions are short and perfect for portable play (helped by an auto save function), but never do they feel slight or simplified, with many as memorable as anything in previous GTA’s. One set piece for example, involves racing an oil tanker to a destination, while oil spills from the back, making sure any police that dare chase you get doused in flame. Another involves making sure journalists do not take pictures of your boss, by dealing with them by any means necessary. It’s pure 18 certificate carnage, and it’s a joy to behold.

A top down perspective, along with a cartoony visual style (similar to the Gameboy Colour’s Driver), may bring disadvantages, such as a limited view of the road ahead, along with the loss of the gritty feel many enjoyed in GTA4, but everything works perfectly in sight of the DS’s limited technical capabilities.

Overuse of the touch screen for many tasks can be awkward, such as throwing projectiles, but it also helps to immerse you in the game, and the game is certainly improved, and not weakened, by their inclusion.

Overall, the size of the game (after finishing the main plot you have not seen even half of what the game has to offer), the confident design and the way it simply wants to be played and enjoyed makes this a must have DS title. And there aren’t many of those around at the moment.

(5/5)

FILM FEATURE- Halloween All Nighters…

2009-11-23T13:31:00.001-08:00

*A bit late but here is my feature on Halloween All nighters. Only read if you dare…*

Description- All night film fests look only for the insane but have managed to carve out a niche audience. I try to survive one and looks into their continual appeal…

It’s seven o’clock on Sunday morning, and I haven’t slept all night. Rain pounds my car windscreen as I struggle to keep my eyes open. Logically I should slump asleep at the wheel, but I manage to keep going. How did I get in this perilous situation? It all started a few weeks ago, on Halloween…

Happening to spot ‘Halloween All Night Special’ on my local cinemas website, I was intrigued, and clicked on it. ‘Starring: Saw 6, The Thing, My Bloody Valentine 3D and An American Werewolf In London. 480 minutes.’ 480 minutes! 8 hours, four films, no sleep. Madness to be sure, but there had never been an event like this in the area, so I decided to take up the challenge. It beat being at home, trembling behind the sofa, terrified of six year old trick or treaters threatening to egg my car.

(Above-The poster for the event)

When booking a ticket however, I was sure that there was no way anyone would be mentally unbalanced enough to go as well. There I would be, highlighted as a lone madman in the empty cinema, the staff laughing at me whenever I turned my back.

Wrong. I obviously overestimated the amount of sanity in this world. In the biggest screen available, with over 200 seats, it was a near sell out, and I had to settle for a seat in the front row.

Having entered my card details for the tickets there was no way back. It was time to prepare. Thirty six pence energy drinks that were coloured a worrying neon green, along with a homemade thermos filled to the bring with coffee and sugar were packed before leaving. Risking death through caffeine overdose was a risk I was willing to take.

But with so much preparation and time dedicated, why do so many people go to Halloween all nighters such as these? Perhaps it is something to be endured and overcome, rather than actually enjoyed. Talking to Nikki Bartlett, the general manager at the Empire cinema in Poole behind the event, before the night started, she was surprised at the large audience, but seemed to recognise the people the night was aiming for.

“I’m really pleased with how popular it’s been. I didn’t expect how well and quickly it has been taken up. We were offered it and to be honest, it’s something I really wanted to do.”

“I think if you like Halloween but you don’t necessarily want to go out and get drunk, it’s the kind of thing you can really do. The fact Halloween has fallen on a Saturday also makes it a good night for it, as you can have a lazy day on Sunday.”

Nikki’s bubbling enthusiasm for the event was obvious, but what was surprising was the amount of staff helping with the event. Even on a busy Friday night I had never seen so many people around the building, especially not at midnight. Surely they were given extra pay?

“Nope.” Nikki boasted, “It was a voluntary thing. I asked the guys if they were up for work for it and I was actually quite overwhelmed by the reaction we got from the staff. They were all really up for it quite hyped up for it so it was quite good fun.”

(Above- Darth Vader was present. Picture’s blurriness is due to my shaking fear)

With all this enthusiasm from Nikki and her staff, I was surprised to find a subdued atmosphere when I entered the pack foyer. Only one or two people had bothered to dress up, and the bubbly camaraderie I had anticipated was nowhere to be seen. Perhaps it was because of the collected realisation that this night was going to be no easy ride. Or maybe it was because the mediocre My Bloody Valentine 3d was the first film of the night.

(Above- A fellow all nighter with his 3d specs)

The films were unfortunately, pre-selected, with Empire Cinemas across the country each falling into one of 4 bands, with films such as Alien, the Exorcist and Childs Play shown elsewhere.

The recently refurbishment at the Poole branch to hold 3d screenings, did seem to make Valentine an obvious choice. Giving us each a brand new pair of 3d glasses as we went into the screen was probably a mistake however. “Please put them in the buckets at the exit when the film is over” announced an optimistic cinema clerk. “Just try and get ‘em off me” retorted someone at the back of the screen. Now that was exactly the type of rambunctious energy I had anticipated from the night!

Then, as the film ended a scream rang out from behind me, and one of the few people dressed up chased someone past the front of the screen. Whether this was staged or not it did not matter, it lifted the flat atmosphere and the next film, An American Werewolf in London, flew in a whirlwind of laughs and shocks.

(Above- For an 80’s film American Werewolf’s special effects are brilliant)

American Werewolf was an easy choice for cinemas this Halloween though, being recently re-released with a newly mastered print. Louise Scutts, the general manager of the Southampton Picturehouse was one of those who showed it, and thinks the best way to rope in the crazies who go to late night showings is to go for a crazy choice of film.

“The normal cinema route is choosing the big slasher out the time, but we tend to go back and choose something a bit quirky. American Werewolf did over a hundred on the 10pm Saturday showing which is pretty good. Overall, we tend to go a bit of slope on Halloween, as we did a great one a few years ago where we didn’t pick the big slasher film, and we thought, lets do something mad. So we decided to show Carry on Screaming, and we had 173 people come in to watch it. It was just amazing!”

(Above- Carry on Screaming- the perfect Halloween film?)

Half way through the night, and the atmosphere was a little flat yet again, as problems with the projection equipment for The Thing meant Saw 6 was shown next instead of being the final act. This unfortunately meant that even though everyone sat through Saw, many then went home, missing the arguably superior film, The Thing.

“Hope you all enjoy the last film, well done to those of you that have stayed, I’m impressed. There are quite a few that have tapped out early…” Nikki Bartlett announced before The Thing lit up the screen. Despite half the people gone, cheers when Kurt Russell’s name came up on the opening credits made it clear that only the true lovers of film now remained, with the atmosphere arguably at an all time high, despite many people, including myself, now in a near comatose state.

Late night screenings are still not needed everywhere though. Talking to Anne Lonsdale, a Supervisor at Southampton’s Cineworld, it is clear that some towns just don’t have the right audience for such events.

“I can see how late night showings are good but then at this cinema it doesn’t do that well. We did have late showings of saw 6 and a kids club in the morning where everyone dressed up and did Halloween games. But as we’re mainly student based people will be going out going to parties. I mean which students are going to come and watch a late night film instead?”

“Thank god, time for bed” was shouted out when The Things credits rolled, and agreeing murmurs came from the crowd. As I shuffled out into the now emerging daybreak I can definitely say the whole night was an experience like no other.

Four films is nothing though. The Quad in Derby showed five films, as part of a zombie film all nighter, and was a near sell out. Adam Marsh, the film programmer at the cinema, thinks all nighters will become more and more popular as people look to do something to stand out from the crowd.

“Audiences are tending to lean towards event programming. People are wanting more and more to feel like something is special. Plus there is the endurance aspect. Can you do the whole night!”

(Above- The lobby was bustling with activity between films)

In the end, the films that are shown at these sleep depriving marathons aren’t important. It is the surreal nature of my night that sticks with you. And as long as there are people with a somewhat surreal mindset, so there will be all nighters.

RANDOM RANT- Nightclubbing

2009-11-22T09:23:00.001-08:00

What’s the deal?

By Simon Reed

Ok, I don’t mind jokes, but this one has gone far enough…what’s so great about nightclubbing?

I know as a student I should be embracing it like some kind of all powerful deity, but I just can’t see the appeal.

Not that I haven’t tried. I’ve gone several times when I was a fresher and each time I’ve got a new reason to stay away from Bournemouth’s nightclubbing scene.

Getting perplexed looks because you’re dressed up as one of the 118 team (don’t ask) I do not mind, but I don’t like dancing (I just can’t for some reason) and not being able to hear anything anyone is saying because of the music…I could go on.

I’m reading this back and it sounds like I’m some kind of killjoy, but that’s not it at all. I love going to the pub with my friends, going bowling, shooting some pool or watching a movie.

Most people I’ve talked to sismiss my arguments, reasoning that you have to get absolutely smashed to enjoy clubbing. But if you need to be pretty much unconscious to have fun doing it, then surely the whole idea isn’t that fun? Or is that just me?

INTERVIEW- Relative Values

2009-11-20T16:38:00.001-08:00

*Now, I will be the first to say that this piece is a bit weak. And by weak, I mean if it was an actual physical object it would be soggy cardboard. Nevertheless, here is a piece on a father and Son, and how their relationship works. This is possibly the most exciting thing you will ever read…NOT!

PS- This was written circa late 2008*

Relationship of rivalry and respect

Steve Yeates and his son David Yeates

Steve Yeates, 52, has been working as a police officer and will soon retire after working for over 25 years. He lives with his wife Alison, 50, their daughters Sam, 23, and Holly, 21, and their son David, 19. David recently qualified as a Ski instructor on a three month course which cost around seven thousand pounds.

David-

Paying out three grand to let me go on my skiing course shows a lot about my dad. He rarely goes skiing himself yet he still helped me out as he could see that it was something I truly cared about.

The course totalled seven grand though, so it’s not like he could give me all the money. But I like that, the fact that he doesn’t do everything for me, and that I still have to work hard to get what I want. It’s nice to know that he’s there if I need him though, even if he said I owe him that three grand back. Maybe he’ll just forget, that’s what I hoping! That’s pretty unlikely however.

The great thing is that I know he won’t force the money out of me; he’ll just wait until I give it back of my own free will. I think that’s because in our family there is an element of trust. I like that the trust between us isn’t forced, it just helps to make everyone more relaxed.

I’m surprised that he can be relaxed at all considering that he has such a high pressure job. I mean he sometimes has had to work night shifts alongside day shifts, which I couldn’t even imagine doing myself. I’m not sure whether I could ever develop a work ethic like his.

It’s not all laid back between him and me of course. Sports are a common link between father and son, but in me and my Dads case it adds a competitive edge to our relationship. He thrashed me in Squash when I first played it but I slowly got better, joined a league and then was more than a match for him. It’s a shame I beat him in pretty much everything now, he’s getting too old now! He’d never admit that though, that would be admitting defeat, so thankfully that competitive spark still exists.

Despite the sporting rivalry we still help and support each other. One of my earliest, clearest memories of him is when he was cheering me on one of my first school’s sports days; I guess I could have only been about seven or eight. Thinking back he must have had to take the day of work, just to see me finish second in some skipping race. Considering I was skipping that’s even more impressive. I mean, he watched me skip, which isn’t the most masculine thing to be competing in. Yet he still turned up and supported me.

If I achieved everything my Dad has in my life I think I would be satisfied. I’d like to go one better than him and become a multi millionaire and own a mansion, but they’re long shots to be honest. I think my dad’s ahead of me so far in terms of his life achievements, so I’ll just keep competing with him and hopefully be as content with life as he is.

Steve-

If you asked me what words come to mind when talking of David, I would probably say something like ‘what a strange boy.’ I do mean that it the most affectionate way possible though!

I find it hard to criticize David to be honest. He’s so relaxed that sometimes I think that he almost doesn’t care about whether he does well in something or not. But deep down I know he wants to succeed, he has an inner competitiveness. His fixation on becoming a Ski Instructor came out of the blue for me but I could see he loved skiing when we went on holiday in France so at least he’s doing something that sparks him into life.

I couldn’t see David going into something that doesn’t interest him though; he can be quite stubborn sometimes. A good example is when he was in his school years. I mean, when he was doing his A-levels I tried to encourage him into working hard but he never seemed interested in doing well in stuff like physics, which he ended up failing. It’s strange, when he’s competing in sports he’s pretty driven, but education was pretty much a write off for him. Not that I’m not going to get irritated about it though. His two sisters are pretty academically driven so I think David helps to even that out with his interest in sports. If that even makes sense!

I’m glad David’s so laid back with stuff that others might treat deadly seriously though, and I’d like to think that part of that comes from me. As well as his sense of humour, which could be described as a little odd! I think as a comedic duo we’ve received our fair share of confused looks from people! But I think we’re pretty strange when it comes to most things in life. Like when I had to drive David to the hospital once because a ladder hit him on the head when he was in the middle of playing a football match. That could only happen to David or me to be honest.

Although David and I are pretty close competitively in sports I think highly charged emotional moments in our relationship are hard to pinpoint if I’m honest. I mean I was high with emotion the day when David was born, even though I’d been through the experience twice before. I think it’s because David and me try to keep ourselves so stress free that big emotions don’t arise too often. Maybe we’ll be all emotional when he’s older. I’ll be there if that ever happens.

Sport is the hobby we share the most, I think I’m responsible for fostering the epic sporting matches that happen between us. I helped him get into squash and he eventually got better than me, and I became the underdog when I played him! There’s always that chance of the tables being turned, and I think that’s why we both like playing each other in so many sports. As for who’s the best out of us? I have the better record over the years, but that’s being chipped away. Not that I’m getting too old, I would say it’s more a case that David is far too young!

(Picture- A father and Son, but in cartoon form. So nothing like the father and son detailed above then.)

SPORT FEATURE- Josh Gowling

2009-11-20T16:25:00.001-08:00

*Written just before Gowling left for Carlisle in June 2008, I felt like a curse, because Kevin Bond, who also talked to me, left AFCB shortly after as well.

However, Josh has now ended up at League One Gillingham, and Bond as Assistant manager at Tottenham, so perhaps it wasn’t such a bad curse. A happy curse, if there is such a thing.

Bournemouth fans I talk to don’t seem to have fond memories of Gowling, but when he let me interview him he seemed like a thoroughly nice chap. If my team (Bournemouth) play against him next year I will be sure to give a cheer when his name is called out. All the best Josh.*

Fighting back- Josh Gowling

Meeting just after training for our interview Josh Gowling is the pinnacle of calm. Not visibly tired after a full blooded training session, he simply smiles as he talks about Denmark, nightmare injuries and his exciting career so far with current club AFC Bournemouth.

The central defender has managed to play nearly the whole 2007-08 season, but an injury last year has only added to the disappointments in his career so far.

The first being when he was released by West Bromwich Albion in 2003, a side now in the Premiership, Gowling could have decided to sign for a Championship club at the very least.

Instead he baffled everyone by signing for Danish Division one side Ølstykke, playing unknown (in England at least) teams like Frem and Hellerup. Unfortunately this experience was just another disappointment and after only managing to play over ten games, Gowling soon became disillusioned with life overseas and came back to England and was snapped up by AFC Bournemouth.

It is thought by many around Bournemouth that Gowling was only too glad to leave Denmark, but the player himself sees things differently ‘I still would have gone, because it was a good experience for me to branch out and see a different style of football and culture, even if didn’t have the best time out there.’

His frustrating Danish experience still managed to revitalise his passion for football, as AFC Bournemouth’s press officer Jon Sharkey could testify. ‘I honestly think Gowling came back even stronger from that experience. I think the fact he has played consistently well this season for us (AFC Bournemouth) after last season’s injury proves that.’

Even though Bournemouth were further down the league ladder than West Brom, Gowling’s friendly nature helped him to experience a good first impression of the southern club. ‘I thought it was a really friendly club when I first came here on a trial basis, the players, staff and fans were all welcoming and really made me feel at home.’

After playing for Bournemouth on trial for several pre season friendlies, and impressing in a draw with Everton, Gowling was signed on a one year contract.

Continuing this good form to the beginning of the 2005-2006 season, Gowling then suffered the greatest disappointment of his career. After playing not even twenty seconds of an away game, against Brentford, Gowling was victim of a terrible tackle which put him out for the rest of the season, with his knee ligaments badly damaged.

When talking to Gowling about the injury it is clear that it still haunts him, because when he is asked about what he would try and change in his career he says, without hesitation, ‘all the many injuries I’ve had, no question, especially last seasons.’ Although only 23 it is clear that Gowling has matured as a person and player through his disappointments. This is obvious when he sadly, but philosophically says ‘the fact that I’ve been able to keep fit and play nearly all of this season is probably my proudest and most treasured moment of my football career so far.’

Recovering from the injury in time for the 2006-2007 campaign many fans were expecting Gowling to reassert his position in the team with his usual calm and decisive play. Unfortunately Gowling came back into a team that was in a poor run of form, and were facing relegation. An example of the team’s inadequacies was in the FA Cup game against Barrow, where the side from the Conference North almost beat Gowling and his team. Although Bournemouth progressed internet criticism was still scathing of the side, with Gowling receiving some harsh words. The unofficial Cherries Mad side remarked that ‘Gowling allows even non-League players to get goal side of him too easily.' A 4-1 home defeat to Southend followed, bringing more abuse, describing Gowling’s play as 'car crash defending,' and labeling him as a 'Titus Bramble wannabee.'

Talking to current Bournemouth manager Kevin Bond, even he admitted that Gowling’s game could easily be improved. ‘Josh just needs to concentrate harder and has to treat training as just as important as the games themselves.’

This online abuse doesn’t get to Gowling though, and for a very simple reason. ‘I don’t read about us online, or read our match reports, even if the team or my performances have been good.’

Local Bournemouth sports writer, Neil Perrett, who has covered the clubs progress for years, said that ‘I’m not surprised that Josh doesn’t listen to the critics, as he knows himself that he has room for improvement, and because of that he’s become a popular player with the fans.’

Apart from his sometimes inconsistent game, nobody seems to have a bad word to say about Gowling. When asked what he thought of Gowling away from the pitch Kevin Bond’s tone changed, and smiling he said ‘he really is a good guy, he’s got an answer to anything, and he’s always there when the going gets tough.’

That ability to fight back was proven at the end of last season as Gowling recovered his form, as Bournemouth went on a run of seven games unbeaten and were only relegated on the last game of the season.

Despite the disappointment of relegation there was still pride from the supporters for the team and Gowling. Life long Bournemouth supporter Luke Frater agreed, saying that ‘He could have laid down and given up, but the way he and the team fought for survival. He can definitely play at a higher level, but I hope he stays.’

When asked about his future Gowling laughed, and bravely said ‘I would love to play in the Premiership, even if it was for just one match!’ After a little silence he added somewhat quietly, ‘if I’m completely honest I don’t know, I just want to play at the highest level possible.’

It’s this quiet confidence that could only help Gowling move upwards through the English leagues. If he can avoid the injuries that have dominated his career so far and play with the same spirit as at the end of Bournemouth near relegation escape, then it is only a matter of time before he is no longer fighting back but fighting forward.

(Above- The legend that is Josh Gowling)

VIDEOGAME REVIEW- A Link to the Past (no, not that one…)

2009-11-20T16:03:00.001-08:00

A couple of years ago I started a blog about obscure videogames, but now I feel more confident in looking a wider range of things than games alone. So take a look, there’s not much there but it’s a nice welcoming little place at the edge of the internet, in which to while a few minutes away.

Oh, and there’s probably some spelling errors over there too, but I can assure you that won’t happen again heir.

A link to the past- http://randomvideogamereviewsonline.blogspot.com/

FILM REVIEW- Blade Runner, the Directors Cut

2009-11-20T15:58:00.001-08:00

*This was written a while back and after seeing it again I think I was a little generous. Blade Runner is a far simpler film than you think, and beyond it’s incredible aesthetic is perhaps a little shallow. I would probably give it 4, or perhaps even 3, if I reviewed it again*

Blade Runner- The Final Cut

Where? On 5 Disc DVD set

Back to the future…for the fifth time.

Plot
Set in 2019 Los Angeles, Detective Rick Deckard (Harrison Ford) must track down some escaped robotic replicants. These robots runaways look identical to humans, yet have a set four year lifespan, and their leader, Roy Batty (Rutger Hauer), is not eager to give himself up yet…

Film Review
After over 25 years and five different cuts, has director Ridley Scott finally delivered the final version of Blade Runner? Let’s hope not, otherwise there may not be another chance to watch it on the big screen. Shown in only a few lucky cinemas, it still remains a science fiction landmark.
This new version has had minor, near unnoticeable editing changes, but it’s the new and re-mastered picture that is the real attraction here. Never before has Scott’s gloomy vision of the future Los Angeles had neon that glows so warmly through the dense fog, or rain that glitters down so coldly.
Of course, even if the print was plagued with scratches the beauty of Blade Runner would still shine through. The films production design has been discussed endlessly, but it undoubtedly outdid any film before it. Its effects still impressing today, infinitely more believable than the cold, soulless CGI that plagues today’s sci-fi efforts. Even though the bleak future portrayed in this film has had its critics for being a little too bleak, it would have simply been impossible for the film to hit its future-noir vibe without it.
From production to casting, the film continues to excel, possessing perfectly pitched performances from its main cast. It is common knowledge that Harrison Ford did not understand or like Scott’s directorial style, yet the confusion and uncertainty that Ford brings to Deckard's character helps give the film a larger sense of ambiguity. Hauer too, is superb, adding a dangerous and unpredictable edge to Batty, drawing contrasts to the vulnerable Deckard. Young, as the replicant Deckard falls in love with, is also faultless, portraying a fragility and hesitancy that makes her scenes with Ford crackle with an uncertain future.
Talking of uncertainty, Blade Runner is itself such a tangle of possibilities that it’s impossible to be certain of anything. The lines of who is and isn’t a replicant is one thing, but what about the potential religious allegory behind the film? The film asks its viewer more question than it answers, but it is all the better for it. Deeper and more mysterious than 2001: A space odyssey, far edgier than Star Wars, Blade Runner is the definitive Science fiction film.

(5/5)

DVD review-

It's 5 discs, so it's as comprehensive as you can get. Commentaries, docs, interviews and much more behind. A flawless package. The tin is nice too.

(5/5)

Overall Verdict-
Even if you’ve seen the previous versions to death, you should still go and watch this on DVD, if not the big screen if possible. Still magical, still mysterious, Blade Runner is an incredible enigma. (5 /5)

(Above- Rutger Hauer, in perhaps his finest film role. Except for maybe the Hitcher. Or Soldier of Orange. Or Blind Fury. Actually, scratch that last one.)

RANDOM RANT- Card charges

2009-11-20T15:40:00.001-08:00

*Written a while back it’s not great, but gave me the chance to get this issue off my chest*

-Card charges are a idea straight from the devil-

You’re in the middle of a car journey. You need a break. That service station looks good. Not a five star shining light of sheer class, but it’ll do.

Hmm, no money left. Ah well, this is a service station! There will be many places to bleed your account dry. And so there is. Dododo, card in, screen loads...amount? £20 please, thank you very much. What’s that? A £1.85 charge? That’s fine…wait, what!?!

I really do hate that. If life wasn’t occasionally grey and tedious enough, here comes card machine charges. Some lifeless berk thought those up, and when the idea crossed his mind I bet he burped out a bellowing toad like laugh.

There’s no need for it. I’ll bet many people in service stations are already miserable when they enter. Most of the time you’re either driving back from that wonderful holiday you wished had never ended, and stepping into some dark overpriced hall of bland fast food chains and Whsmiths is hardly likely to replicate the experience. So when you see that you’re being charged for a service that by all rights should be free, it’s likely that all the good work done by your holiday is undone. No, life isn’t relaxing, with the sun always winking back at you. It’s a depressing world where some snivelling berk gets off on charging you for simply taking your money out. Welcome to reality.

It’s our money! I shouldn’t be charged for wanting to get at it! The money charging machines are, pure and simple, extremely exploitative. But from a completely cynical and evil view, they’re brilliant. They attack us when we are at are most vulnerable. What I fear is that the same idea will be applied to many parts of our life (if they aren’t already).

Picture it. You’re on a plane. You and everyone else are plugged into individual air supplies. No joint oxygen sharing here. Halfway through the flight you notice a strange flashing red light on your arm rest. Oxygen near depleted. Switching to alternative air supply. You worriedly tap a stewardess on the shoulder, and ask what this is all about.

“Oh it’s nothing, not really” she says, with a somewhat demented giggle. “It’s just our airlines policy. Unless you pay the extra charge then your air will be swapped with the alternative, Oxygen lite. It makes it incredibly difficult to breathe, with a bare minimum oxygen content, but you will survive. But only just,” and she giggles again, this time at your awestruck expression. “It’s only £4.99 for Oxygen regular, and £9.99 for Oxygen supreme.”

At first you consider rejecting this out of an emphasised sense of injustice. But then your throat feels sore. Your hands go numb. You can feel you lungs squeezing themselves dry to survive on the small slurp of oxygen you have left. Your vision becomes blurry. You turn again to the stewardess and give her a strained nod.

“So do you want to pay through cash or card?” Card you gesture, pushing it into the machine. Is there anyway for this could be worse, as you enter your pin. Turns out there is. A £1.80 card charge.

You may laugh, but it’ll happen. Squeezing money out of you is what some do for a job, and I couldn’t possibly imagine how miserable those peoples lives are.

(PS-The spelling of ‘lite’ is deliberate, not a spelling error. Just wanted to make that clear. Thanks for reading).

NEWS- The Ghost Shop Shift

2009-11-20T15:38:00.001-08:00

*Dated April 2009- So Jo Davis no longer works the ghost shop shift anymore. Plans to do re-do this story are in the works, but I thought you might enjoy this anyway*

The Ghost Shop Shift

By Simon Reed

More than two customers in an hour is seen as surprisingly busy for workers at a store in West Moors.

The Co-op on Station Roads number of customers rarely comes to double figures between 9pm and when it closes at 11pm on Sunday nights.

Last Sunday, in the stores last two hours open, it took just £70 in sales, whereas the next day, in what was described as a ‘relatively quiet’ Monday afternoon by the clerk at the till, took that in less than 15 minutes.

Selling alcohol after 10pm is prohibited as well, due to a licensing agreement between the local council and the stores in the area.

One customer was confused at the law, and said ‘it makes no sense. Most people coming in this late will only be after more alcohol, after getting kicked out of the pub across the road, so the shop should close at ten to avoid annoying and confusing customers.’

Pascal Longhurst, 30, the stores manager, defended the store being open so late and said ‘we’re providing a service to the community and if we help that one or two people then it’s worth our while.’

In charge of the store during Sunday nights, Joanne Johnstone, 34, said ‘I could be doing a lot better things with my time especially as there’s no customers, it’s also quite demoralising because I’ve got no-one to talk to.’

In this time when money is tight and shops must cut down to survive, it is surprising that the shop remains open, but the reason may be because of the Tesco’s Express across the road, which also closes at 11pm.

If each store is only open because they do not want to close earlier than the other, then perhaps an agreement should be met between the two to close at a time more suitable for the incredibly quiet village of West Moors.

(Picture of Jo on a quiet, miserable Sunday night)